


A Thousand Hollow Words

by JaneDuJour



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 13:38:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneDuJour/pseuds/JaneDuJour
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harvey finally decides to (more or less) answer a question that Mike deliberately stopped asking a long time ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace." -Buddha
> 
> This is Part 1 of a 3-part WIP which begins on the evening of episode 2.07/"Rewind".
> 
> littlegirltree is my beta! What can I say? She's the best!

_‘Come over.’_

The text was from Harvey. Mike had only just arrived home and eased onto his couch moments ago, and he couldn’t fathom moving again. His brain and body were deflating after a very long day, which seemed even longer without Harvey at his side when he needed him. Mike knew he shouldn’t have yelled at Jessica Pearson. Of all the lines he’d crossed that day, it was the most careless and he hoped he hadn’t landed Harvey in some kind of trouble because of it. Mike had more or less been flying solo for the past couple of weeks, but Harvey still claimed a reasonable level of responsibility over him. The outburst must have been what the text was about, but Mike wasn’t in the mood to be yelled at. He was aware that he had fucked up, and he was sorry. But where the hell had Harvey been all day? It must have been convenient to catch a train the day he asked Mike to undermine their boss, and he couldn’t help but believe that Harvey’s absence had been deliberate.

 

Unfortunately, the very idea of ignoring Harvey’s text was simply out of the question. Mike lifted his thumbs to his phone to type back when he realized how oddly phrased the ~~request~~ ~~invitation~~ demand had been. It didn’t sound like he was wanted at the office.

 

_‘over where?’_

 

Mike shifted down lower into the couch and closed his eyes. He was just dozing off when the vibration of his phone snapped him back to consciousness.

 

_‘My place.’_

This couldn’t be good. The pit of Mike’s stomach was heavy with dread, and he tried to stop himself, but he had lost his patience hours ago.

 

‘ _no u come here if important’_

Mike dropped the phone onto the coffee table and collapsed back into the couch. He watched the little chunk of technology lay still and quiet for about a minute with heavy, sleepy eyes before he finally let them close. It couldn’t have been that important after all…

 

Mike was in a very deep sleep, dreaming something strange and exhausting that he would never remember, when the knock at his door woke him. His body and mind were unwilling to sacrifice rest and his instincts told him to hide in the apartment and pretend not to be home, having no idea who would want to bother him. Maybe a burglar. Did they knock? What was the protocol? But after another set of knocks came, the fog in his brain began to lift and he realized that it was Harvey. The impulse to hide never left him. He couldn’t let himself be all that annoyed because he _had_ told him to come if it was important. Since that was the case, Mike dragged himself to his feet and shuffled across the apartment to his door to silence the persistent knocking, almost tripping on one leg that was still asleep.

 

“Just because you’re my boss,” Mike began as he unlocked the door and opened it, “that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to be available for your _every_ whim at _every_ hour of _every_ …”

 

Mike forgot where he was going when he saw immediately that there was definitely something wrong with Harvey. He first thought he noticed it that morning at Grand Central when he hadn’t been in the mood for Mike’s _Ferris Bueller’s Day Off_ references. His chin hung just a little lower than usual, and his eyes were just a little dull. He was wearing the same shirt, sweater and slacks Mike had seen him in that morning, which still unnerved him. Casual clothing on Harvey, no matter how expensive, almost always looked like a costume. The man had been wrapped in Tom Ford at birth.

 

“I’m not here as your boss,” Harvey said. No, _admitted_.

 

“Are you okay?” Mike eyed the man carefully. He looked so unfamiliar, which sharpened Mike’s focus and he didn’t feel like napping anymore. Apparently they had both had a long day.

 

Harvey rolled his eyes, annoyed with the obligatory question. “Ask me anything but that.”

 

“Come on in,” Mike decided, stepping aside, but Harvey lifted a hand in protest.

 

“I better not.”

 

Mike bit his tongue on a ‘why not’ and settled back in the doorway, looking Harvey up and down. Something was different. He just couldn’t put his finger on it. It was evident that he was about to say something he didn’t want to say, which made it difficult to move the conversation forward.

 

“Just get it over with,” Mike pressed carefully. “Am I fired or what?” Actually, the thought hadn’t even occurred to him until he heard his own words, and he immediately regretted throwing the possibility out there… because it _was_ possible. If Donna could be fired, anyone could be.

 

“Mike, listen—“

 

“Oh shit—“

 

“No, you’re not fired, just _listen._ ” Harvey exhaled deeply and looked Mike square in the eye, sending a hot chill straight to the marrow of his spine. “I’m going to tell you something, and you can do whatever you want with it, and you’re not going to like it, but you _did_ ask for it.” It sounded as if Harvey was pre-emptively blaming Mike for something yet to happen, which was kind of a relief because that was more like him.

 

Mike desperately scanned his brain for anything he’d asked Harvey to tell him. Only one thing came to mind. It was _the_ thing. What troubled Mike was that Harvey was broaching the topic months after it had been informally buried. Harvey was nervous to come into his apartment…

 

And suddenly Mike knew what this was really about. He needed it to _not_ be true. Mike always knew they were going to have the talk eventually, but as long as they were working together it was never going to be the right time.

 

The thing that Harvey had to say was already common knowledge, though the extent of ‘ _it’_ had been a well-kept secret for some time. Harvey didn’t show up at his door in the middle of the night, willingly stripped of his professional superiority, to tell him something that everybody already knew. Mike would have to get Harvey the hell out of there or prove him wrong, because he was too weak for this now. They both were. The only reason this _‘it’_ had been kept under tabs all this while was because they had never both been vulnerable to it at the same time. That’s why Mike had stopped seeking confirmation a long time ago. The prospect of a confession had become a serious risk once he realized the extent of their situation, and was better left unspoken.

 

“It’s fine Harvey, you don’t have to…”

 

Harvey inched closer and the smell of whisky hit Mike like a blanket, prompting him to move back discretely. Alcohol was an excuse they could both fall back on (especially in his reckless fantasies) but it wasn’t a reason. Why now?

 

Harvey paused and stuck his hands in his pockets, noting Mike’s hesitance. “You told me to come here if it’s important,” he pointed out.

 

“It’s not,” Mike blurted automatically.

 

“So you were just _pretending_ that it mattered to you. All along.”

 

“Don’t do this.”

 

“It’s done. It’s out there.” Harvey shrugged unapologetically.

 

“Great, then you can go home now.” Mike gulped, his anxiety rising. He didn’t want to tell Harvey to go, but he needed to get some distance between them right away. This wasn’t like at work where there were other people around and he could just leave the room or the building. This was where Mike lived. Harvey should have known better. “I can’t hear this right now,” Mike continued. “You can’t just drop things on me like this…”

 

“Can’t, can’t, can’t,” Harvey echoed in annoyance as Mike continued to speak.

 

“…I was on my own all day. I tried to do what you told me to, but… I yelled at Jessica, did she tell you that?” He didn’t give Harvey a chance to respond. There was an unexpected flicker of approval in his eyes that annoyed Mike. “In front of the whole office. I needed your help and you weren’t there.”

 

“I probably would have done the same.”

 

“How can you say that? You don’t even know what happened, you weren’t… where the fuck were you?”

 

“I was getting some perspective,” Harvey stated firmly.

 

“Perspective. Great. Look, I know what you came here to say, Harvey, and your perspective is wrong.” Mike hated lying.

  
“You think it’s _wrong_?”

 

“Well – no, not…” Was Harvey intentionally twisting his words? “Of course I don’t think it’s _wrong_ , just that it… it isn’t. Because I’m… not.” If he didn’t finish the sentence then it wasn’t really a lie, was it? He wasn’t even sure which lie he wasn’t telling: that he didn’t have feelings for men, or that he didn’t have feelings for Harvey.

 

“That doesn’t matter.” Harvey’s expression was deliberately vacant. “It’s not your problem, I’m just being fair.” He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “Screw this. Can we stop saying _‘it’_ now? This is ridiculous…”

 

Mike couldn’t move past the fact that Harvey had chosen not to come into his apartment. Knowing his restraint was that thin drove Mike crazy. He knew what could happen, and how easy it would be to go there. He bit down on his lip and tried to wrap this up as neatly a possible.

 

“Okay, so you think you give a shit about me,” Mike offered briskly through tense lips when Harvey was about to speak again. He didn’t want to let him say too much.

 

“Mike—“

 

“It’s whatever.” He could feel his face turning red and he couldn’t keep up with how rattled he was getting. The ‘c’ word was on the tip of his tongue. “I mean, it’s convenient to care about somebody when they’re being useful...”

 

“ _Mike—_ “

 

“If you care about someone, you care about them, Harvey. You don’t pick and choose. So… you can’t expect me to take this seriously.” Mike was feeling something like anger, and it was Harvey’s reluctance that provoked him even more than his intent. His instincts were to retaliate and call Harvey dishonest and manipulative (both untrue at this moment), but at the same time he didn’t want to tempt him to prove anything. “You weren’t there for me today and coming here now all friendly and gooey isn’t going to change the fact that you ran off to hide while I did your dirty work. I’m just saying that actions speak louder than—“

 

Mike’s thoughts turned to white static as Harvey moved in and brought a firm, warm hand to his neck, gently paralyzing him. He willed his body to protest but nothing was happening, and Harvey was looking at him like _he_ was the one who had done this. With all the strength he could gather from the bottom of his soul, he pulled out a desperate plea: “Don’t…” He lifted his arms to push Harvey away, and it was working, sort of… but somehow his feet were following Harvey’s, across the hall, until Harvey’s back made contact with the wall opposite his door and Mike couldn’t stop. He just couldn’t. And he couldn’t look at Harvey’s face as he pressed his nose to his cheekbone. And he couldn’t breathe as Harvey’s arms moved around him. “ _I can’t_ ,” Mike breathed, winded.

 

Those solid hands found his arms and pulled him away, but Mike could only stare at Harvey’s shoes. They were so clean that he could almost make out his own reflection, but he didn’t want to see himself like this.

 

“I don’t expect you to,” Harvey muttered as he let go. “I just thought you should know.”

 

 

= = =

 

 

Mike only really became aware of his arousal when his erection pressed against the closed and locked door of his apartment after Harvey sent himself home. His hand found its way into his pants only after he was sure Harvey was gone. Mike jerked himself off quick and rough with his forehead pressed against the door, eyes squeezed shut, coming in his underwear with a subdued groan barely 30 seconds later, but he didn’t get the release he wanted. He wanted Harvey. But they couldn’t…

 

_‘Admit it. You care about me.’_

 

It had started as a joke. Mike only teased Harvey in order to remind him that he wasn’t superhuman. It seemed that by Harvey’s logic, caring not only _didn’t_ make him superhuman, but somehow subhuman. There was an undeniable fraction of altruism in Harvey’s decision to take a chance on Mike and hire him. He only stopped teasing him about it a couple of months into the job when the moment came that Harvey didn’t even try to shut him down with a cold or witty response. He didn’t say anything at all. He just leaned back in his chair looked at him – not just meeting his eyes, but letting his gaze wander across his body. Mike watched Harvey watching him across his office that morning as the silence dragged on. He waited for it to end, but it didn’t. Harvey was breathing deep and steady, his eyes bearing down on him relentlessly, watching him drown in the heavy silence for what must have been nearly a full minute and felt even longer.

 

That’s when it stopped being funny or cute, because Harvey cared. Apparently, he cared a _lot_. He cared even more than he was allowed to say, and he couldn’t deny it anymore, so he said nothing. Wordlessly, in that excruciating minute, they both knew. Neither of them could forget it after that.

 

_‘Sorry.’_

It was all Mike could say before he walked out of that conversation months earlier. Things hadn’t quite been same since, both of them keeping to themselves more than usual. He never brought it up again and never expected that Harvey would have been the one to do so. It was unexpected and made him wonder what had inspired his boss’ newfound ‘perspective’ that day.  He didn’t believe that drinking would have done it alone. Something else was going on.

 

Mike eased his wet hand out of his pants and made his way to the shower. He scrubbed himself raw under the hot water, a tension in his chest building with each passing minute despite every effort to dissolve it. Where the hell did that arrogant bastard find the nerve to drag this to the surface? It had always been a ticking time bomb, but Mike had hoped that it would somehow just go on ticking forever because he couldn’t survive the shrapnel. Of course Mike _knew_. He wasn’t deaf or blind or stupid. Everyone _knew_ that Harvey cared about him, but the two of them were the only ones who knew _how much_.

 

Despite no longer being aroused, Mike worked a soapy finger into his asshole. He slid in another and another until the pain made him stop. He fucked himself with his fingers, bracing his free hand against the slippery tile wall, face pressed against his wet arm, flaccid cock twitching just a little at the sensation. He was slowly getting better at distracting his body enough so that he wouldn’t go looking for sexual satisfaction from strangers (or worse: other co-workers) when he felt empty and frustrated. He couldn’t convince himself that he didn’t need Harvey though, because the void was never really filled no matter how hard he tried to trick his body into a false satisfaction. A distraction here or there never lasted. Mike didn’t know how much more he could take. They had come so close this time. Sending him away had mostly been an act of protest. It wasn’t fair that Harvey was allowed to talk about it after Mike had worked to keep it to himself for so long. He thought that’s what Harvey wanted.

 

Apparently not anymore.

 

Mike pulled his fingers free, relieving his aching wrist, and spent the next five minutes thinking about what would have happened if Harvey had come into the apartment when he was invited earlier, or if Mike had gone to his. How much more screwed up could their working relationship really get? Things were already way beyond professional, and they had managed to do a fairly solid job of keeping secrets thus far.

 

Fuck it all: he wanted it. _They_ wanted it. Harvey barely even tried to mask his desire on a daily basis in the safety of a public workspace. If Mike went to him and the fix was good, it would be worth it. If it was bad or awkward, he could move on. If he went over there and nothing happened, it would still be worth watching Harvey deal with him because he had no idea what to expect and he loved keeping that man on his toes.

 

When Mike got out of the shower he dried himself, looked at his cold and messy bed, and made his decision quickly. He groomed and dressed himself as fast as possible so as not to let his thoughts interrupt his actions, and five minutes later he was out the door with his mantra – _fuck it all_ – running on a loop in his brain. This had gone on long enough.

 

 

===

 

 

Mike wasn’t nervous anymore by the time he made it to Harvey’s apartment. He had the upper hand because he’d caught Harvey off-guard after casually sneaking into the building behind another resident. (The security guard seemed to remember him by now and indifferently returned Mike’s nod.) Soon they were there again, standing face to face in the middle of the night at Harvey’s door. It had happened so many times before, but this time there would be no pretense.

 

“I’m sorry I told you to leave.” Mike hadn’t expected an apology to be the first thing out of his mouth, but he hadn’t exactly planned what he was going to say either, so there it was: honesty. “I was pissed off. I’m not anymore.”

 

Harvey was still wearing the same clothes as earlier, though his sweater was gone now and his feet were bare. His shirt was unbuttoned just one notch lower than Mike was used to seeing it. He resisted the impulse to reach out and unbutton the rest, and opted for words instead. Just in case. He was just standing there, waiting for Mike to justify his visit.

 

“Let’s just get it over with,” Mike suggested once more, but this time he knew what they were actually talking about.

 

Harvey gave him a strange look, like he’d missed the punch line. “Get what over with? I thought we just did.”

 

“You know what.” He wasn’t about to let Harvey act like his visit earlier that night would never be addressed again. “Stop torturing me and just put me out of my misery so we can all get on with our lives.”

 

“Aren’t you big enough to rip off your own band-aids by now?” He had no idea how hard Mike had been trying to do just that without success for months on end. Harvey leaned against the doorframe casually. Everything was so easy for him.

 

“Don’t do this now,” Mike thought out loud. He gulped and took a dangerous leap. “How do you want me? On my knees? My stomach? Do you want me on top? I can make this really easy for you.” His toes curled against the soles of his shoes, desperately trying to hold himself steady. He had officially _gone there_ and couldn’t unsay it.

 

Harvey gave him the eyebrow. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that a little louder? I don’t think _all_ my neighbours heard you.”

 

Mike was on the verge of listing off a variety of sex acts at the top of his voice, just to stick it to the man whose job it was to make his life more frustrating than it needed to be, but Harvey seemed to sense this just in time. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he considered their environment for a moment before slipping his hand around Mike’s arm, pulling him into the apartment. Mike should have been used to the touch having been escorted out of Harvey’s office that way time and time again, but he wasn’t.

 

“You think I want to have sex with you?” He let Mike slip from his grasp with a subtle reluctance he probably thought would go unnoticed. “I never said that.” Harvey spoke calmly with perhaps even with a little amusement as he shut the door behind them and leaned back against it.

 

Mike couldn’t really think beyond the heated imprint where Harvey’s hand had just been, although he quickly felt that any power he might have felt arriving at Harvey’s doorstep (unexpected, freshly scrubbed and horny as hell) disintegrated with Harvey’s denial. It seemed like he was playing stupid, but Mike didn’t know why. Harvey was the one to come to him that night, and the one to reach out and touch him first. Maybe this was all just a game to him. It was also possible that he was just now sobering up.

 

“What do you expect me to think? You touched me.” Mike knew he didn’t need to spell it out, but his defenses were up. “You told me that you…” But he realized that the words had never really been there. Had he filled in the blanks on his own? How much had really been in his head?

 

Harvey broke eye contact for a moment and scratched his neck. Mike prayed that it wasn’t veiled regret that he was seeing.

 

“You started this,” Mike continued out of some childish impulse, but to be honest he had no idea who started it or when exactly it had started. “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.”

 

“On your back,” Harvey decided suddenly, meeting Mike’s eyes.

 

 “My back?” Mike’s chest warmed and tingled again. Why did it sound so easy but feel so impossible? It occurred to him that Harvey had likely asked for him on his back specifically because it _wasn’t_ one of the options he’d offered. Mike suddenly became awkwardly aware of his arms hanging on either side of him and had no idea what to do with himself, so he stuck his thumbs into his jean pockets. Harvey’s eyes flicked downward at the movement. Mike felt a little bit of power charging into him through that gaze. He dislodged his thumbs from his pants and shrugged his jacket over his shoulders, down his arms.

 

“Bedroom’s that way,” Harvey confirmed, gesturing down the hall. His expression was still unreadable.

 

Mike’s legs were frozen. Suddenly this was happening so fast. Harvey shot him an expectant glance.

 

“Oh, my mistake. I thought you said you wanted to get this over with.” Harvey’s sarcasm was painful and delicious, and Mike wanted to drink it straight from his lips. For the first time in months, he really didn’t care if Harvey saw him staring at his mouth and didn’t try to stop himself. “Look,” Harvey continued, “if you really want to do this thing then by all means, let’s go. Ready when you are.” But Harvey wasn’t budging either. Maybe it was because he’d already made the first move.

 

Something told Mike that Harvey was trying to call his bluff, but there was no way either one of them could really believe he would back down now. Mike swallowed hard and forced his feet to turn walk down the window-lined hall into Harvey’s apartment. He tossed his jacket over the edge of the couch and paused when he saw an empty bottle of whiskey on the dining table. He couldn’t look back but he couldn’t move forward. The reality of the situation seeped in through a crack in his mind and Mike shook his head, digging his fingers into the back of the couch. Maybe he wasn’t up for this. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Harvey’s reflection in the wall-to-wall window as he walked up behind him, looking at him like a new toy that he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to play with yet.

 

The apartment was so quiet. _Too_ quiet.

 

“You really shouldn’t be here,” Harvey decided.

 

Mike finally turned. “You’re the one who asked me to come here before—“

 

“Yeah, before I remembered that you live inside your own personal soap opera and you’ve got a real problem with platonic relationships. People have them every day, Mike, it’s not that freaky.” He shook his head. “I should have known better.”

 

Mike could admit that he _did_ have a hard time keeping his relationships platonic. He could also recognize that just because Harvey didn’t want to have a certain conversation with him as his boss earlier, that didn’t mean he had to totally bypass friendship and jump to intimacy… but: “Face it, Harvey, you and I haven’t really been platonic in a long time.”

 

Harvey’s jaw tensed. “I wasn’t inviting you over for sex,” he explained slowly and quietly, the word ‘ _sex_ ’ weighing heavily on his tongue.

 

“So what for then? To drink?” He nodded towards the open bottle on the table.

 

Harvey sighed deeply. “That’s not for you.” Then added carefully: “Do you need something?”

 

Mike shook his head, feeling a little strange that Harvey might think he might require alcohol to calm his nerves. He resisted the urge to ask Harvey again where he’d been that day and who the bottle was for. It clearly wasn’t the right time.

 

“I didn’t intend to _do_ anything about it.” Harvey contradicted himself when he stepped in closer, not even seeming to realize it. “I just thought I should acknowledge what’s going on here. To be fair.” Mike felt Harvey’s eyes flicker across his body again. “There are just some things that people have a right to know.”

 

One thing Harvey had said really stuck to his brain. “Intend?” Mike echoed, realizing that Harvey never said he didn’t _want_ intimacy. He just hadn’t planned it.

 

“I didn’t mean for it to be this way,” Harvey admitted, more to himself than to Mike. “You were right. It’s wrong.”

 

Mike felt lost in so many ways, even though what he wanted was right in front of him. His mind and body were pulling him in too many different directions simultaneously. Harvey wasn’t himself, and he’d been drinking. They were both exhausted. Mike had absolutely no idea what time it was – somewhere between midnight and 4:00am. It was all too much to handle under the circumstances.

  
“Okay. I’ll go,” Mike consigned with a shrug, feeling painfully foolish and lewd for imposing himself after Harvey only wanted to share something in the name of respect and understanding. Mike moved towards the door feeling like he was trying to quit all over again, but as he passed the man standing between him and the exit, an arm hooked around his waist. Mike ground his teeth trying to contain himself.

 

“Fuck, do you want me or not?” he finally demanded, inches from Harvey’s face.

 

“You have no idea how much,” Harvey said abruptly, his other hand slipping around Mike’s back, making him shiver. “Stay. If you want to, stay.”

 

“Okay,” Mike breathed automatically. “I want to.” He was having trouble finding his breath.

 

“But only because _you’re_ _not_. You _don’t_. Hear me, Mike? Don’t prove me wrong.” He searched Mike’s eyes for a moment and seemed anxious with his lack of response. “Let’s keep this simple. I can’t do that if your head’s not on straight.”

 

Mike blinked and shook his head briefly, wondering what Harvey meant by ‘ _not’_ , but he was no longer capable of forming questions. There was a thumb pressing gently below his chin, warm breath on his neck…

 

As he listened to a rush of breath leave his body, Mike did recall vaguely denying that his feelings were mutual when Harvey was at his door earlier that night. He had been overwhelmed and angry, and he hadn’t even been able to bring himself to completely lie to him, but apparently Harvey believed his ambiguous untruth. Mike parted his lips to correct him – _but I care about you a whole fucking lot too, and it goes way beyond sex_ or _friendship, because I_ am _and I_ do _and I want you to know it_ – but a wet tongue beneath his jaw erased his memory.

 

“ _Harvey,_ ” Mike whispered, closing his eyes as his hand found Harvey’s waist, urging him to stay close. All of the energy and excitement he’d arrived with rushed back into his body within a second. Warm lips ran up his neck, along his jawbone to his ear where teeth tugged briefly at the lobe, and across his cheek… stopping at his lips.

 

Mike opened his mouth, breathless. Harvey teased him with the briefest touch of their lips and his entire body reacted, confidence and warmth surging into his blood. He leaned forward and swallowed the kiss, pouring himself into Harvey’s arms. He had never in his life been more aroused as when he felt the vibration of Harvey’s satisfied moan against his tongue. A hand at the back of his head, bringing the kiss even deeper, confirmed that it was the right thing.

 

There was no taste of the alcohol Mike had detected earlier – only a hint of mouthwash – but it might not have made any difference. His morals were weak at this point, if he had any left. Harvey pressed back against him with even more strength, pinning his hips to the back of the couch with strong hands, reminding Mike abruptly that Harvey knew how to throw a punch with those fists. Usually Mike hooked up with flimsier guys because the possibility of being physically overpowered by a stranger was almost enough to make him nauseous. This was different. It was safe. In the warmth of that kiss, Mike regretted ever coming up with ways to convince himself that having sex with Harvey could be a danger to his job or his emotional health. That wasn’t danger – it was just life. He trusted Harvey more than anyone he’d ever known.

 

Harvey was pushing up against him so hard that Mike nearly fell backwards over the couch before Harvey caught him there, while Mike lost his footing and hooked his legs desperately around Harvey’s to try to hold himself upright. When Harvey slid his mouth down to his collarbone, Mike’s head fell back and his throat opened to release an abandoned sigh of relief.

 

“I want you so fucking much!” Mike rasped. He dug his fingers into Harvey’s arms and ducked his head to find his lips again.

 

“Don’t say anything,” Harvey murmured against Mike’s cheek before pulling him back onto his feet and accepting his eager mouth. “Unless it’s ‘stop’.” His hands were _everywhere_ and Mike finally knew they were both equally desperate, which turned him on even more. “I’m serious,” Harvey added. “The less I know the better…”

 

Mike wasn’t surprised that Harvey was playing the plausible deniability card. He shut them both up by catching his lower lip between his teeth and immediately their tongues were sliding together again.

 

Unwilling to move his hand from the back of Harvey’s neck as he devoured his mouth, Mike clumsily worked at his shirt buttons with his left hand. When he was unsuccessful, he simply slid his hand up Harvey’s shirt and ran his fingertips across a nipple before catching it and tugging gently.

 

Harvey broke the kiss with a breathy moan, pushing Mike back to arm’s length. For a moment he thought he’d done something Harvey didn’t like, but banished that thought when Harvey finished the job Mike had started on his shirt and shrugged it off. Mike lifted his own t-shirt over his head slipped his hand around Harvey’s exposed waist, pulling their bodies together, dying for the warmth of the other man’s skin against his. Strong fingers dug into the flesh of his ass, pulling him in tight, then worked their way up his back, really _feeling_ him from top to bottom. There was something about the way that Harvey touched him that was almost too much to bear. His mouth and hands were hungry and possessive, yet so effortlessly intuitive and generous in the way that they manipulated his flesh and the electric currents inside of him. Something felt unusually natural about being with Harvey. Their bodies were already so familiar.

 

The feeling of Harvey’s growing erection against his hip through their pants was too tempting to ignore. Mike impulsively dropped to his knees in the middle of the apartment with Harvey’s encouraging hands at his head and shoulder and immediately set his fingers to the task of undoing his pants, fully prepared to worship his cock with his mouth and hands until his knees bled. Once he’d opened his pants and pulled them down his hips, Mike broke eye contact with Harvey to press his face to the large, warm bulge inside his underwear, breathing in his scent and opening his mouth to the damp spot on the cotton, wetting it even further with his tongue.

 

Fingertips dug into his scalp and he felt Harvey shudder as he swelled in response. Mike tipped his head up to look at Harvey again. His chin was in the air, throat exposed, chest slowly heaving. Regardless his state of near nudity, there was something _truly_ naked about him. He was usually so self-aware and calculated… Mike loved seeing him this way, completely open. He hastily dug is fingers into the elastic waistband of his underwear but Harvey caught his wrists.

 

“I said I want you on your back. Not on your knees.” Harvey urged him to his feet and shoved him towards the bedroom. “And not in front of Buddha,” he added, reaching down to pull his ankles free of his pants.

 

Mike had noticed the small statue on his first visit to Harvey’s new apartment. “Yeah I meant to ask, why do you have a Buddhist shrine in your apartment? Is he aware that you’re capitalist scum?”

 

“That was here when I moved in,” Harvey lied absently, redirecting Mike’s attention as he slid his hand down the front of his jeans, which was just about enough to send his eyes rolling back into his head.

 

The bedroom was dark as he let Harvey guide him to the bed, stepping backwards until he made contact with the mattress and sat. Mike pressed a hand flat against the other man’s smooth, strong back, pulling him close as he offered a lap of his tongue up the centre of his chest. Before he even knew what was happening, Harvey had pushed him onto his back and roughly worked open his pants. He was so hard it hurt and the feeling of Harvey’s hand brushing against his erection through his underwear brought out a deep, earnest moan. The relentless attention dizzied him further with Harvey’s lips at his neck once again and he didn’t even realize that his pants and underwear were already gone until he felt his naked cock pressing against Harvey’s, which was still restricted by the fabric of his underwear. Before he could reach down and give it some attention, Harvey slid back off the bed to tear the shoes and socks from Mike’s feet, followed by the clothing bunched around his ankles. Smooth, warm hands trailed back up his thighs, consuming his naked flesh.

 

Mike propped himself up on his elbows as Harvey’s eyes drank in his nudity.

 

“I want the rest of you,” Mike breathed, sitting upright.

 

Harvey climbed on top of Mike’s thighs and shoved his shoulders back into the mattress.

 

“On your back,” he reminded him, running his hands down Mike’s chest. When Harvey’s fist clasped around his aching hard-on, Mike shot back up onto his elbows again, his lips itching to be kissed, needing to connect at every possible point. Harvey let go of his cock to grab his wrists and shove them into the mattress above his head. “Stay down,” he instructed.

 

“I can’t.” Mike squeezed his eyes shut and strained against Harvey’s weight. He really couldn’t control himself. It wasn’t possible to just lay there and be a passive object to Harvey’s affection, regardless of how much he enjoyed his strength. Then he felt Harvey smile against his cheek.

 

“I know,” he said, releasing his wrists, placing one hand on his neck. “That’s what I love about you.”

 

Mike blinked his eyes open, his heart rate escalating dangerously. Harvey wouldn’t meet his gaze after thoughtlessly letting the word slip that he’d been working so hard to avoid, but instead ran his thumb under Mike’s jaw and tipped his head into a kiss.

 

Mike experimentally pressed his hand to Harvey’s chest, sitting up with him, moaning gratefully when Harvey allowed it. He managed to slip out from underneath Harvey’s legs and kneel in front of him, barely breaking their kiss for more than a few seconds. His fingers traced down Harvey’s spine, spreading out over his taut ass, before slipping into the waistband of his briefs and sliding them down around his knees as Harvey lifted a little to accommodate the gesture. Mike’s palm was aching to feel how hard and warm Harvey was. When his fingers closed around Harvey’s shaft he felt him exhale against his neck.

 

“You’re big,” Mike observed aloud without meaning to. He was thick and heavy, and probably more so than the men he’d encountered before although it wasn’t something he usually made a note of being drunk, stoned and impatient most of the time. This might have been the first time he’d found himself in another man’s bed without feeling like he needed to rush through it, as much as a part of him really did want to ‘get it over with’ as he said.

 

“I really wish you’d stop talking.” Harvey swiped his thumb across Mike’s lower lip. “But that’s not gonna happen is it?”

 

Mike wordlessly turned his head and stuck out his tongue to wet the man’s palm, generously wetting it. Not a moment later, Harvey’s slick hand was in Mike’s lap, coaxing even more blood into his already painfully engorged erection.

 

Mike lost track of time after that. Their heavy pants and broken moans pushed the silence from the room and filled the air with lust and they did nothing more than sit there face to face, stroking each other, enjoying the reactions they could draw from each other’s bodies and lips. Eventually he could no longer tolerate the gap between them and slid both hands around Harvey’s hips to dig his fingers aggressively into his ass, needing him closer.

 

Harvey didn’t seem interested in waiting either. He pressed one hand to Mike’s chest and slid another around his ankle, flipping him onto his back with a heel hooked over his shoulder in no time at all. Mike watched his own knee come closer to his face as Harvey stretched up and across the bed to grab a condom from his night stand, absolutely disregarding whether or not Mike’s body was willing to be bent in half. (It was.)

 

Harvey settled back on top of him, the length of his cock pressed against the back of Mike’s thigh. Even nose-to-nose Mike could barely see Harvey’s face in the dark, but he imagined his big, dark brown eyes looking down at him full of want, and wondered what they saw.

 

Perforated foil tickled his lower lip as Harvey fed him the corner of the condom wrapper. Mike caught the foil between his teeth and carefully ripped it open, vaguely enjoying the familiar taste of aluminum, latex and lubricant, eagerly pushing his hips up against Harvey’s. Their lips touched absently in a half-kiss as Harvey took the condom and slid it onto himself before lifting Mike’s other leg over his shoulder. Mike reached down and grasped Harvey’s firm thighs for support, taking some pressure off of Harvey’s shoulders. He’d never done it this way before, but Harvey was guiding his body naturally and effortlessly in a way that avoided any potential clumsiness on Mike’s part.

 

He lay there breathless, waiting for Harvey to open him up, feeling like that was the only thing that could diffuse the deafening pulse hammering at every corner of his body. The need was too heavy to carry any longer. Harvey’s hands ran up Mike’s chest and flattened against his shoulders as he pushed him down deeper into the mattress.

 

“Do you like it in the ass?” It was a frank question and elicited more arousal than intended.

 

Mike almost laughed. “You’re asking me this _now_?” He wasn’t sure if Harvey was asking because it turned him on to hear the answer, or if he actually didn’t know what to expect.

 

Harvey’s thumbs traced beneath his collar bones and waited.

 

“I love it,” he finally answered. Mike wasn’t sure why he felt so surprised by the question. It wasn’t invalid, but how could he _not_ want Harvey to fuck him? “I’ll beg if you want me to.”

 

Harvey leaned in, trapping Mike’s knees between their shoulders, and spoke against mouth: “Not necessary.” His voice was low and heavy with need, his breath trickling down into Mike’s lungs, warming his chest from the inside out.

 

Harvey braced one hand on the mattress and reached down between them with the other. Mike felt his thumb swirling around the slippery, sensitive head of his cock for a moment, making his thighs twitch and his chest tighten, then those fingers traced down his shaft, cupping his balls before travelling lower again. A satisfied groan hummed in the back of Mike’s throat as he felt the tip of Harvey’s finger slowly rubbing his hole, teasing the fuck out of him, hardly even pressing inside an inch, but he didn’t waste much time. He must have felt that Mike was ready for him. Slippery latex replaced the finger in a matter of seconds and Harvey punched out a deep, rich sigh against his neck as he pushed forward.

 

“Fuck – _fuck!_ ” Mike squeezed his eyes shut tight and dug his trembling fingers harder into the taut muscle of Harvey’s thighs, trying to hold himself still as he accepted the other man’s body into his own, inch by inch. Without any real preparation, Harvey had taken it upon himself to go as slow as he could, pausing the second he noted a hitch in Mike’s breath that he tried to conceal.

 

“Keep going,” Mike breathed into Harvey’s ear. The pain was barely there beneath the wave of deep satisfaction that began to consume his entire body.

 

Harvey sank to his elbow and cupped Mike’s face in his hand, wrapping his other hand around one of the thighs at his chest as he leaned into him, pressing deep.

 

Mike completely lost control of his breath, rough pants and gasps slipping in and out of his lips erratically. He could feel his muscles spasm around Harvey, trying to accommodate his width. Just as his body began to submit to the pressure inside him, breaking him open, Harvey drew out slowly almost all the way, dragging an identical moan out of both of them, before sinking back in.

 

A sharp cry forced its way from Mike’s lungs as he pressed his forehead to Harvey’s shoulder, feeling fingers rake through his hair and cup the back of his head. Harvey held his head there against his body as he continued to rock back and forth slowly. Eventually his lips began to search for Mike’s, the tip of his tongue teasing his mouth open before sliding inside. Somehow he felt his gentle lips and tongue just as deeply as the rest of him.

 

Mike had to tell himself to keep breathing, his head spinning and nerves on fire, emotionally and physically scrambling to adjust to what the fuck was happening. Harvey bent him in half, fucking him in the mouth and the ass simultaneously… _holding_ him with so much care while he split him open and devoured him like fruit. His hands never left Mike’s body as he shifted his weight and leaned back on his knees, running both hands along Mike’s thighs and calves to his ankles where he unhooked them from his shoulders and leaned in close again. Mike wrapped his shuddering legs around Harvey’s waist. That’s where he wanted to keep him.

 

Though he couldn’t take him as deep like this, the joy of holding Harvey’s naked body in his arms without his own legs in the way more than compensated. He anchored one hand in Harvey’s hair and spread the other across his back. Harvey seemed to melt into the embrace, welcoming as much intimacy as they were physically capable of.

 

Mike was right on the edge of sanity by the time Harvey committed to a slow, steady rhythm. His heart was beating so hard he felt that he might choke on it, and Harvey’s pulse surging beneath his fingertips seem to run just as hot and hard. The shaken gasps and occasional moans pouring from Harvey’s incredible lips were enough to make Mike want to scream, and the rest… it was almost too much to bear. Maybe it was because he’d never been fucked by a man who actually cared about him, or because he’d never done this face-to-face. Just one night earlier he’d had his face slammed against the wall inside the public restroom of a 24-hour bagel shop in Chelsea after getting kicked out of a bar, completely wasted and frankly a little disgusted by the person behind him, trying to make as little contact or noise as possible. Get off and get out – that was the mindset he’d fallen into lately when it came to sex, and it’s what he had expected to happen with Harvey regardless of the feelings they were both painfully aware of. But now he wasn’t sure if it was possible.

 

That’s the part that really hurt. He meant something to Harvey, and Harvey meant something to him. More than something – _everything._ Harvey was fucking him deep and slow, savouring every inch of his body, making sure Mike felt everything… but the longer they indulged in this the more it would hurt to have it taken away. This wouldn’t be easy to walk away from. Maybe that’s why Harvey didn’t want to believe that their feelings could be mutual… maybe he would rather just hurt himself than hurt them both when it was over.

 

“I can’t take it,” Mike sobbed without meaning to, overcome by the same hesitance he’d felt earlier when he made Harvey leave his apartment. His thighs were trembling against Harvey’s ribs and he felt like if he stopped making an effort to contain himself his entire body would literally fall to pieces. The moment the thought crossed his mind, Harvey’s hand clasped down on Mike’s thigh, holding him together.

 

“You can take it,” Harvey insisted, sliding his hand up Mike’s thigh and between them, gripping his stiff cock. He stroked him slowly, pausing a moment before sinking all the way into his snug body again, watching his face in a lustful curiosity.

 

Under any other circumstances, Mike might have felt nervous with Harvey watching him so closely but at this point he was totally beyond choice or self-control. He couldn’t put anything on for Harvey now even if he wanted to, but he couldn’t meet that dark gaze either, so he closed his eyes and let everything happen.

 

“You are goddamn beautiful.”

 

Mike blinked his wet eyes open and the way that Harvey was looking at him shook his soul. Nobody had ever called him that before. ‘Cute’ came from girls occasionally, ‘pretty’ from guys occasionally, and ‘sexy’ if there was alcohol involved. He clenched his jaw, knowing that he was on the verge of saying something dangerous if he let his tongue loose.

 

“And your body…” Harvey dropped his head and closed his eyes with a sigh. “And your fucking _brain,_ Mike…” His hot breath puffed against Mike’s skin for a moment before his mouth latched onto his throat, tonguing and sucking at his flesh in a way that nobody had done to him since high school – at least, not sober. Harvey was giving him a fucking _hickey._

 

Mike wanted to push him away and tell him not to, because his shirt collar would be too low to cover it at work. Instead he dug his fingers even harder into the back of his head and brought his other hand to his neck, holding him there, splitting his thighs apart even wider, giving him everything he wanted. He rocked his hips up faster, determined not to develop an addiction to the body on top of him. Maybe for Harvey a long, slow fuck was exactly what he needed to get things out of his system, but for Mike it was almost the opposite. He had spent so long trying to work Harvey out of his heart and the devious part of his brain that this was only bringing him right back to the hopeless beginning. It was like he would have to start working him out all over again. Now there would be mark on his neck to remind him for another week. Mike’s heart flopped as his anxiety began to emerge through the lust and pleasure he was all wrapped up in.

 

“ _Hurry_ ,” Mike pleaded in a whisper, running his fingers though Harvey’s hair and down his back. He was certain that this was the last time he’d get to hold him and was torn between committing every detail of his body to memory, and tuning it all out so that he could start forgetting sooner, or at least pretend that it had all been a fantasy. No, it _wasn’t_ safe, and he shouldn’t have tricked himself into thinking that it was. It didn’t matter if he trusted Harvey. This was out of their hands. This was pain and regret in the making. There was no way around it. Harvey was right – it would be easier if Mike wasn’t in love with him. He really, really wished he wasn’t.

 

Harvey placed an unhurried kiss on his lips while his hips and hand moved to meet the tempo that Mike was setting. “Are you close?”

 

“I’m in love with you.” The moment he realized that he’d fucked up and broke the one condition that Harvey had set on their deviance was the same moment his unanticipated orgasm hit him like a train. “FUCK!” His eyes squeezed close involuntarily before he could see Harvey’s reaction. “Fuck I’m sorry I didn’t mean it, I’m –“ The electric pleasure shooting through his body trapped his breath in his throat for a moment. “– can’t help – fucking _hurts –_ didn’t mean –“ Harvey was thrusting into him _hard_ , sending another shock of bliss through his marrow every time, trapping his words in his throat and _god_ , he didn’t want to leave this behind. He wanted to hold Harvey closer still but his body was no longer under his own control. “I tried not to… I tried…” That was the last thing he could utter before everything went hazy and he was reduced to a trembling pile of flesh and bone. He felt Harvey twitching inside him, his own muscles still faintly spasming around the base of Harvey’s cock, and heard him groan in total abandon, the sound of that rich, unmistakable voice turning his heart inside out while lending him a twisted sense of pride. With his last ounce of strength, Mike opened his tear-blurred eyes and took a picture of Harvey in the moment of his climax: jaw unhinged, chin tipped up, every muscle in his face totally relaxed with the exception of his slightly furrowed brow. Mike had never described another man as beautiful either, but Harvey was undeniably it in that moment.

 

Harvey dropped his head and breathed deeply for only few seconds before pushing off of Mike, out of his grasp. His lifeless arms fell to his sides and this thighs shook momentarily when Harvey quickly withdrew, but soon he lost the strength to tremble and just lay there, breathing and blinking lazily because that was all he could do. Mike could still feel Harvey’s imprint deep inside him. It ached, but not as badly as it ached before he was there. And Mike asked himself: _Are you happy now? You got what you wanted. How does it feel?_

Mike didn’t know what he was feeling. He wasn’t really feeling anything. He’d given Harvey everything he had and now there was nothing left of him.

 

He closed his eyes and listened to Harvey leave the room, a mysterious calmness settling in. He heard water running for a minute, and then it stopped and Harvey returned to the bedroom. Mike didn’t open his eyes until the mattress sank down near his feet and Harvey mounted his legs with a towel in hand. He glanced up at Mike only briefly before mopping up the pool of come on his belly. He bunched up the towel, dropped it off the bed and sat there on his thighs with his hands wrapped around Mike’s hip bones. He wasn’t letting him leave but wasn’t asking him to stay.

 

“We don’t talk about this,” Harvey finally explained, although he hardly needed to. He sounded completely drained despite his conviction.

 

“I don’t want to take this to work any more than you do.” Mike decided to sit up but it didn’t happen. His body was finally telling him that he couldn’t go much longer without rest. “That’s why I dropped it.” _So why did you pick it back up again, Harvey?_

 

Harvey nodded slowly, seeming satisfied, and crawled off of Mike’s legs. He pulled back the covers and settled into bed, rolling onto his side facing away from Mike with a deep sigh.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Mike resigned numbly, wanting nothing more but to pass out under the covers next to Harvey, but even in his fantasies that didn’t happen. Instead, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and planted his feet back on the ground with a yawn, trying to remember where his clothes went.

 

“Don’t do that.” Harvey glanced back over his shoulder skeptically, then turned away again and settled deeper into the pillow. “If you go home now you won’t sleep more than an hour and I need you on the ball. Sleep in bed or sleep on the couch. I don’t care. Have an extra suit at work?”

 

“I do now.” He’s learned to keep one after the bedbug incident, or the _you-walked-in-there-naked_ incident as he privately referred to it in his mind, though he never expected that this would be a reason to need the extra suit.

 

Apparently that was the end of the conversation. Despite an uncomfortable morning ahead, Mike slid underneath the covers and fell asleep on his back to the sound of Harvey’s deep, sated breathing.

 

= = =

 

Mike wasn’t sure what woke him. His body was still heavy, warm and relaxed. Maybe the bed was too soft. Mike had always been comfortable with his skinny mattress and lack of box spring, despite recurring complaints from girlfriends who were probably just looking for a back rub.

 

Mike rolled onto his side and tucked his knees up, accidentally nudging the back of Harvey’s naked thighs in doing so. He froze for a moment, not wanting to wake him, but the man didn’t budge. His breathing was deep and smooth as Mike’s eyes traced his silhouette from his hair, down the curve of his neck and shoulder to where his body disappeared under the blanket. The early morning light cast a dim grey-blue blanket over the room. In that light, his mind silently recorded every detail he could capture. He was helplessly drawn in to the gravity of that body. His heart was clawing at the inside of his ribs as if it were trying to leap from his chest into Harvey’s. Carefully, Mike inched closer and slid a hand gently across his waist…

 

Harvey’s breath hitched and his shoulders tensed momentarily. Mike’s impulse was to draw his hand away when he woke, but Harvey caught it under the covers and lazily pulled his arm around, bringing Mike’s chest up to his back.

 

Mike closed his eyes and exhaled deeply against Harvey’s hair, settling his knee between Harvey’s thighs. He felt the man yawn and tightened his grip around his torso, nudging the tender skin behind his ear with his nose, wanting to bury himself in the warmth and comfort of the welcomed embrace. It was that comfort he sometimes experienced in the miraculous split second after sleeping through his alarm, the moment before he realized he’d missed an appointment. It was the feeling of being almost _too_ comfortable for things to be okay. This was surely the calm before the storm, so he let himself enjoy it while it lasted.

 

Harvey pressed back against him, drawing his knee up a little higher and pulling Mike’s arm around even tighter. There was something almost aggressive in the half-sleeping man’s need to be held – something that completely lacked any form of submission. Mike was holding Harvey, but Harvey was drawing him in. Even laying there with his eyes closed facing away from Mike, Harvey was still leading his body exactly where he wanted it, shifting his hips in such a way that Mike’s just had to follow. The crisp sheets rustled quietly, no louder than the sound of their soft breathing. Soon they were rocking there so slowly and absently in a half-asleep daze that Mike wasn’t even sure when the friction against Harvey’s bare ass began to affect him. He drew his leg back out from between Harvey’s thighs and tipped his hips away a little, discretely making an effort to conceal his faint erection, but Harvey reached back and clamped a hand down on his hip, bringing him back in.

 

The rest was like a dream, and Mike wasn’t convinced at first that he was awake. With his arm hooked under Harvey’s, grasping his strong shoulder, they continued to move together wordlessly in a fluid rhythm with slow easy breaths. Mike’s cock was hardening slowly, trapped between the cleft of Harvey’s ass and his own abdomen, though he had no thought of climax. He closed his eyes and breathed the scent of Harvey’s hair, moving his hand from Harvey’s shoulder down his chest and abdomen where he explored the subtle flex of his muscles as he moved against him. His hand traveled lower still and grasped a remarkably firm, leaking cock that twitched at the brush of his fingertips. He wrapped his fingers around him and felt Harvey exhale deeply, turning his face into the pillow. Mike bit his lip, letting his eyes fall closed again as he continued to rub up and down the cleft of Harvey’s ass, swirling his fingers around the tip of Harvey’s slippery cock, doing nothing more than idly experiencing his body.

 

The body in his arms stretched and shifted for a moment but never pulled away. Mike touched his lips to the back of Harvey’s shoulder, feeling it flex before he sank back against Mike again. A hand joined his, closing Mike’s fingers more tightly around his cock for a minute before his fingers were coaxed away gently. It took him a moment to realize that the thing being pressed into his palm instead was another condom.

 

Mike couldn’t deny that he was a little surprised by his own stamina as well as Harvey’s, but he wasn’t going to think about the past… or about the future. He tore the packet open with his teeth and reached around again when Harvey didn’t make himself more accessible but a hand on his arm stopped him.

 

“You.” Harvey didn’t need to say any more than that.

 

Mike swallowed hard and pulled his arm back around. He hadn’t really imagined Harvey this way before, but his cock pulsed hard at the demand and he wondered why this hadn’t been the stuff of his fantasies since the beginning. He slid the lubricated condom down his shaft and positioned himself against Harvey again. He might have been nervous if he was fully awake and alert, but he was exhausted in every capacity. Their bodies knew what to do and his brain had no place in it.

                                                             

Mike took the time to work Harvey open with his fingers, coated with his saliva and the lube from the condom. He was tight but receptive and he didn’t moan until the third finger pressed through. Soon he returned his hand to Harvey’s cock, stroking him firmly but slowly as he rubbed up and down his crease. The prospect of fucking Harvey Specter made him feel so alive and excited, yet the situation itself was so surreal and unplanned that he was calm and subdued by the half-reality.

 

When the tip of his cock finally found Harvey’s entrance he choked out a throaty sob into the man’s neck as he slid inside him. Harvey only sighed and twisted his fingers in the bed sheet. For at least a minute Mike lay still with his eyes squeezed shut against Harvey’s neck, and when they began to move together again it was just like it had been when they woke up minutes earlier: quiet, comfortable and unhurried. He felt every inch of Harvey clamped around him, stroking the man in time, noting that his breaths were becoming slightly shaken. After what felt like a few minutes, soft moans began to carelessly slip from his lips, echoed by Mike in turn.

 

A tremor ran through Mike from head to toe and the idea of an orgasm hadn’t even crossed his mind until Harvey was suddenly coming in his hand, rasping out breathy moans through a tight throat, his muscles clenching around Mike’s cock. He pushed into him again with three more agonizingly slow thrusts before he came so hard he saw white light behind his eyelids. He curled his body against Harvey’s as he sank into dream-like ecstasy, his pulse pounding at his eardrums so loud he thought he heard music.

 

Soon the sleepy, comfortable fog lifted and the calm before the storm made its swift and inevitable transition. Mike _did_ hear music. It was Harvey’s alarm clock and sounded a lot like Jazz FM. He blinked his eyes open and saw that the room was filled with diffused sunlight. Either he’d fallen asleep buried inside Harvey, or it had actually been a dream. When his brain snapped back into tune with his body, he felt the still-wet fluid on the hand between Harvey’s legs and realized that they must have been fucking a lot longer than he’d realized. With his face buried against the other man’s body, he’d been blind to the daylight.

 

Harvey rolled away onto his stomach and Mike’s hips jerked slightly as he withdrew. He remained there on his side, trying not to get his messy hand all over Harvey’s sheets. Harvey lay motionless on his stomach a moment before he propped himself up on his elbows and glanced down at Mike. He had that look in his eyes like there was something he wanted to say, but his lips were clamped around the words. He knew that expression well by now. It was the _how-much-is-this-going-to-cost-me_ look. Finally he shook his head, got up, and went to the bathroom.

 

Mike made a point not to watch Harvey’s naked body as he walked away. That was it. No more. Time to go back to work and start pretending all over again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harvey's decor:  
> http://tinypic.com/r/6jqddg/6
> 
> Comments motivate me to update. I want more if you do!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read, commented and/or gave Kudos on the first chapter, and thank you for being patient! The feedback and kind words have been very encouraging. LittleGirlTree helped me shape up this chapter in a big way and while it took longer to finish than I expected and I'm sorry to have made you wait, it's for the best that I didn't rush.
> 
> As always, feedback is welcome and encouraged!

Harvey and Mike did not make the trip to work together, nor did they speak more than absolutely necessary before departing.

 

When Mike flung himself into the cab Harvey called him, he was still damp from a too-cold shower, his face raw from a too-rushed shave, and his tongue burnt from a too-hot sip of coffee. He was early enough to stop into the pharmacy before work and make one of the more embarrassing purchases of his lifetime: a stick of concealer from the cosmetics department. It was one of those situations that made him really miss Donna. By the time he made it to Pearson Hardman he was still early enough that he didn’t have to endure the humiliation of flashing his street clothes and hickey around the office for all his coworkers to see. He dashed straight for his desk to retrieve his spare suit and toothbrush, and then all but _ran_ for the men’s room.

 

By 7:00 – only an hour after Harvey’s alarm pushed them both from bed – Mike was dressed, his teeth were clean, and he was just about ready to face the day and whatever it would bring. With his toothbrush and clothing from the night before stuffed inside the underused briefcase at his feet (which had functioned as a laundry hamper more times than not), Mike leaned across the sink and pressed the concealer to his neck. It wasn’t as if he _needed_ to hide the mark, but he couldn’t deal with questions today.

 

Of all the people to breeze into the washroom at the moment Mike had the make-up pressed to his skin, it had to be Louis. At least it wasn’t Harvey. Mike managed not to drop the concealer into the sink and decided that the best he could do was own it.

 

“Well, well. Good morning Miss Ross,” Louis droned in amusement. Mike pretended not to notice his smug grin. “Fancy seeing you in the men’s room.”

 

“It’s a tone-correcting moisturizer, Louis,” Mike lied. “For men. Which I am.” He blended the stuff with his finger, somewhat satisfied with the off-grey patch where the purple and red blood vessels had been.

 

“Oh, I get it. I do.” Louis confirmed. He walked up to the sink next to Mike and began washing his hands, not even bothering to urinate first.  “That youthful glow. The bright eyes and bushy tail.”

 

Mike squinted briefly, wondering if he should interject about the tail.

 

“I mean, all this time I’m kicking myself for spending so much on my dermatologist and my nutritionist trying to balance my complexion while you eat pizza and coffee every day. You don’t even bother maintaining an effective skincare regimen, do you?”

 

Mike wondered if that it was a rhetorical question.

 

“But here we have it, ladies and gents – well, present company excluded, of course…”

 

Mike rolled his eyes.

 

“You are 100% fake-n-bake, my friend. I should have known all along.” Louis seemed both delighted and relieved. He turned off the taps and shook his hands into the sink. “And here I thought you were just lucky.”

 

“I’m not lucky.” Mike meant what he said initially until he remembered that in the grander scheme of things the only reason he was standing there – not in the bathroom specifically, but at Pearson Hardman – was out of sheer luck.

 

“Of course not.” Louis flashed him a crooked half grin and disappeared the same way he had come. Fortunately, Louis seemed to generally fixate on the make-up rather than the hickey itself. It was going to bother him for the rest of the day that Louis didn’t pee. He wondered if that was just another method of deliberate psychological torture, but any distraction today would be a welcome one.

 

Popping the lid back onto the concealer and sliding it into his pocket, Mike had to remind himself that there was no way for anyone to know where the mark had come from. The only person he was really concerned about was Rachel. He didn’t owe her anything, but he didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had.

 

Desperate to avoid both Harvey and Jessica at least until lunch time so he could calm down a bit first, Mike went back to his cubicle, collected a healthy stack of documents on some upcoming hearings, and barricaded himself in the file room.

 

= = =

 

For the first time in a _very_ long time, Mike found his eyes moving over the same sentences more than once. He was repeating the word ‘focus’ over and over in his mind to distract himself from all the thoughts he didn’t want to have, until he was screaming the word so loud in his head that eventually it drowned out the information he was trying to absorb.

 

“Fuck.” He tossed his highlighter onto the table and leaned back, raking his fingers across his scalp, remembering against his consent how Harvey’s hands had felt there when he held him close.

 

He heard someone come into the room behind him and grabbed his highlighter again, making himself look busy.

 

“This isn’t your office, you know,” a familiar voice droned. “You’re not _that_ special.”

 

Mike looked up to see the elusive Gregory Boone make a sour face at him before turning his attention to a shelf a few feet above his eye level.

 

“Although maybe if you’re pathetic enough to want to set up basecamp in here you might as well take it. Nobody else is waiting in line.” He seemed to spot what he was looking for and pulled it down, flipping open a binder. “You in trouble or something?”

 

“What?” Mike felt a chill crawl through his legs. “I don’t think so, why?”

 

“It’s almost quittin’ time. I figured you were home sick.”

 

“I’m flattered that you speculated…” Christ… no wonder he couldn’t concentrate. He hadn’t had anything to eat or drink all day. How long had he really been there? Was there something wrong with his brain? He had been losing time since he woke up.

 

“Actually I didn’t notice you were gone until your boss came round and asked me if I’d seen you.” He stretched up to grab another binder, just out of his reach.

 

Mike noticed his ass, but he wasn’t sure if it was because he _let_ himself or _forced_ himself to pay attention to it. Gregory was a fairly attractive guy but Mike had never really forgiven him for the Bainbridge Briefs. It was in the past now though. He just stared at his back, ass and thighs, unable to address the comment. He was working too hard to redirect his mind from Harvey to the harmless, oblivious body in the room with him. But when the imagery began to creep from his brain to his hips, he realized he might soon need a distraction from his distraction.

 

“Guess now I can tell him that I have. If he comes around again.” His co-worker finally fingered the heavy binder loose from the others and pulled it down into his arms on top of the other with a thud. “Unless you’re playing hide-and-seek, in which case my lips are sealed.”

 

That was a weird thing to say. “You sound as tired as I am,” Mike observed as casually and honestly as possible.

 

“Tell me about it. Real shit storm this week, huh?” Gregory mumbled as walked towards the door. “Oh, nice little performance you gave Jessica, by the way,” he added with a smirk. “Everyone got a kick outta that.”

 

Mike could feel himself shrink. “How bad was it? Be honest.”

 

“Bad?” He scoffed as if the question was absurd. “I think it worked.”

 

Mike sat frozen as he watched Gregory leave. The door closed behind him with a click, leaving Mike alone with his thoughts again. This time he didn’t try to drown them out. He glanced at his watch and, determining that Harvey was probably still in the office, collected his things and extracted himself from the safety and isolation of the file room. Maybe he had one less reason to hide than he thought he did.

 

= = =

 

Mike’s instincts told him to barge right into Harvey’s office whether he liked it or not, but he didn’t have the opportunity to intrude. Harvey’s new secretary was ready for him.

 

“He’s expecting you, Mike, go right in.”

 

Mike was a little thrown and nearly tripped over the invitation. First of all, he didn’t remember ever formally introducing himself to whatever the guy’s name was… probably Ken or Bobby. He never saw it in writing so he hadn’t committed it to memory. It wasn’t Donna, and that was all he needed to know. And even though Gregory had mentioned Harvey coming by the associates’ pen earlier, he kind of wished that Harvey had been at least a little bit apprehensive to see him.

 

“Thanks, Kenny,” Mike said on his way into Harvey’s office.

 

“Actually, it’s Cam--” But Mike let the door fall shut behind him.

 

Harvey was tapping away at his keyboard, looking perfect and untouchable as always, despite having hardly slept at all. Mike stood a few feet from his desk, waiting to be acknowledged. All he got was a brief flicker of Harvey’s eyes as he glanced up from his lap top. There was almost no recognition there. Harvey looked at him like he could have been just any associate wandering around the building… not like the man whose arms he’d wrapped himself up in that morning.

 

“Where have you been hiding?”

 

“You set me up.” Mike wanted to get to the point.

 

“Relax.” Harvey leaned back with one hand still anchored on his computer. “This was a win for us.”

 

Mike chewed his lip. “I’m willing to take one for the team if I have to, but I’d appreciate being in on it.”

 

“You didn’t take a hit.”

 

“You let me humiliate myself in front of the managing partner.”

 

Harvey took his hand off his computer and locked his fingers together in his lap. There was guilt all over his face, but no remorse.

 

“Jessica was in on it,” Mike realized. “Was I the _only_ one who didn’t know what was going on?”

 

“The only way anyone would have believed what we’ve got on Hardman is if they didn’t think they were supposed to hear it. It needed to be public, and it needed to appear accidental. I know you get that.”

 

“Yeah, I get it, but…”

 

“You did exactly what you should have done.” And just to top it off, Harvey gave a brief nod and threw in a: “Good work.”

 

Mike took a deep breath. Harvey was watching him carefully and he looked prepared for whatever was coming, but Mike didn’t have any more pushing to do. Harvey was right. Mike wouldn’t have been able to fake it if he’d known their strategy. But after all Harvey had said the night before about honesty, being the last to know that he was a pawn for some greater strategy was particularly difficult to swallow. Then he remembered that he’d done the exact same thing to Rachel and figured he deserved it. It wasn’t worth getting hung up on.

 

“So what was the point of the disappearing act yesterday?” Mike asked with a shrug. It was an afterthought, but he still wanted to know. “I still don’t get that.”

 

“Unrelated. You don’t have to get it.”

 

“You _really_ don’t want me to know,” Mike speculated. Every time he brought it up Harvey had been silent on the matter. His curiosity was finally getting the better of him because he was beginning to wonder if he should be worried.

 

Harvey seemed to weigh his options a moment before he finally parted his lips. “I was visiting my dad.”

 

“Is he okay?”

 

“He’s dead,” Harvey answered flatly.

 

It was like a kick in the gut. “Jesus, Harvey, I’m so sorry…”

 

Harvey lifted a hand. “He died five years ago.”

 

Mike felt oddly relieved, but it didn’t explain much. “I’m… still sorry?” He slid his hands into his pockets.

 

“If you _must_ know…” Harvey paused, giving Mike the opportunity to nod. Of course he didn’t _have_ to know, but he really wanted to know. “I went upstate to bring my dad a bottle of his favourite scotch. I’ve done it every year since he died.” He hesitated a moment. “I have my reasons. Anyway, call it a ritual. Jessica knows, Donna knows, you might as well know about it too.”

 

Mike nodded slowly. “I wish you’d told me that before.”

 

Harvey raised a vaguely inquisitive eyebrow. “Before what?”

 

 _Fuck you, Harvey, you know what before._ “I wouldn’t have given you a hard time,” Mike said, wondering if he would have handled their situation differently the night before had he known Harvey’s frame of mind. He must have felt…

 

Lonely.

 

Harvey shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Prepped for the Solinsky hearing?” Harvey briskly moved his attention to a file folder on his desk.

 

“Who’s Solinsky?”

 

Harvey froze, leaned across the desk and raised his eyebrows. “ _Who’s Solinsky_?” he repeated slowly.

 

“Oh, fuck. Uh…” Mike rubbed his eyes. It would be nice if Harvey could find it in his heart to let him know when they were having a brand new conversation. “Yeah I know, sorry, I just—“

 

“Solinsky is our _client_ ,” Harvey explained slowly, blatantly patronizing him. “I’m his _lawyer._ You’re my _associate._ ”

 

“Yeah I know, Harvey, I don’t have brain damage, I’m just—“ Mike raised his hands in defeat when Harvey only stared at him expectantly. “I’m tired and I’m fucking distracted,” he confessed. “Yes, I’m ready for the hearing.”

 

“You don’t seem ready.”

 

“Is this why you were looking for me?” Mike was becoming more and more frustrated. He just wanted to somehow get through the rest of the day, go home and get some sleep. “To tell me that I don’t seem ready? It’s basic stuff.”

 

“No.” Harvey paused. “Cameron, if you don’t get your ass in here with a coffee within the next 30 seconds there’s gonna be hell to pay.”

 

Mike glanced out towards Donna’s desk where Cameron was doing something unnecessary with post-it notes, totally oblivious to the comment. “I don’t think he can hear you,” Mike observed.

 

“Just checking.” Harvey sighed and gestured to one of the chairs opposite him at his desk. “Sit down.”

 

Mike swallowed an inward _‘fuck’_ and reluctantly did as he was told. He could already tell that this was going to be rough. Harvey seemed to relax a little when Mike took his seat, but Mike tensed up all over.

 

Harvey’s lips twitched. “Tell me what we did last night.”

 

Mike was trapped. He opened his mouth and waited for an answer to come out but not even air moved through his lips. He had no idea where the question came from or what the right answer was. Did Harvey want to know their official statement or the true story? Was it possible that they were the same?

 

“We…” Mike cleared his throat. “Hung out?”

 

“Mike,” Harvey warned gently. “Just say it.”

 

Mike’s heart was thudding so hard he was becoming lightheaded. This went against everything he thought would happen. “We had sex,” he admitted finally, wetting his dry lips with his tongue, praying that he hadn’t somehow misconstrued the question. “And I stayed over.”

 

Even though Mike knew that nobody could hear them, they were surrounded by glass and he felt completely exposed. They shouldn’t have been able to get away with talking about this at work.

 

Harvey finally nodded. “Good. Now that that’s out of the way you don’t have to wonder if and how it’s inevitably going to come up. There: it just came up. You can stop wondering.”

 

“The suspense was killing me.” Mike had meant to sound sarcastic but unfortunately it didn’t come out that way at all.

 

“Do you have anything to say about it? Now’s the time.” He sounded comfortably detached from the matter, like he was asking Mike’s opinion on something that happened to other people.

 

Mike shook his head. “I told you that I didn’t want to bring it in to work. There’s really nothing to say.” Mike may not have had any statements to make, but he certainly had questions that he wasn’t about to ask: _Will we do it again? Were you drunk? Do you regret it? Do you really love me? How much? What now?_ “It doesn’t change anything.” Maybe it did, but he was certain that it shouldn’t. That was surely the point of this conversation.

 

“Right.” Harvey nodded and rocked back in his chair, clearly thinking hard. Mike’s eyes followed the man’s hands as he picked up a pen, took the lid off and put it back on. “As long as we’re clear. We had sex, it was fun.” He put the pen back down on the table and locked his eyes on Mike’s. “It won’t happen again.”

 

It was hard to breathe, but he managed to pull in just enough air to exhale an: “I know.” Harvey kept looking at him, like he was expecting more. He pulled in a little more air. “Can I go now?”

 

Harvey raised a hand to stop him when Mike was about to push himself to his feet. “I’m sure I don’t need to say this but I’m going to say it anyway.” He clenched his teeth momentarily. “I need to know we can still work together. You’re my guy. I need you here.” He pressed his fingertip to his desk. “Are we good?”

 

“We’re good,” Mike answered with a nod, not fully processing everything yet.

 

“Say it again.” Harvey never broke eye contact or lifted his finger from the desk.

 

Harvey needed him. That much of what he heard he understood, and it was all he needed to know. “We’re good,” he repeated with a little more certainty. “I’m not going anywhere. I mean… where would I go?” The notion of throwing away the opportunity Harvey had given him just because of a little emotional knot was laughable. Then he shrugged it all off, suddenly very relieved that Harvey had chosen to get this out in the air as soon as he did.

 

_I’m his. He needs me._

Harvey regarded him carefully before he nodded and flipped open the folder in front of him. “Good. I believe you.” He picked the pen back up. “So I don’t see any reason why Solinsky should go to trial, but in case we do…”

 

Mike nodded and pretended to listen as Harvey told him things he already knew.

 

 _I’m his_ , Mike thought again as he watched Harvey read from a piece of paper. _He needs me._

 

= = =

 

Apparently Harvey was right to put Mike out of his misery, because while he often recalled the details of their night together, there was no question as to where they stood. It was nice. It was over. Mike could live with that, because Harvey _needed_ him. He probably already knew it, but it was nice to hear the words.

 

It was also nice to see it in numbers.

 

When Harvey handed him his bonus Mike almost pissed himself. He hadn’t even thought of getting a bonus until he saw Louis handing them out, let alone one so substantial. Harvey made sure that Mike knew why he was getting as much as he was… he seemed to jump on a logical explanation very quickly. Mike would have taken ‘you were a good lay’ but Harvey’s reasoning worked, too.

 

The next day, Donna was back and it was truly as if she’d never left. Things were starting to feel normal again, aside from the freakish sum in his bank account. Solinsky did end up going to trial for lack of keeping his arrogant mouth shut, but there was proof of his allegations somewhere… they just had to find it.

 

When he and Harvey returned to the office after the hearing, it was an honest shock to find his grandmother there waiting for him. He was immediately relieved that Rachel was with her (for his Grandmother’s sake), despite his nervousness at what they might have been discussing before he arrived. She’d certainly heard Mike use more graphic words than ‘hard-ass’ and ‘lovely’ to describe Harvey and Rachel, so he peeled her away before she could say too much.

 

He gave his grandmother a quick tour of the floor and brought her outside to have lunch in the park. They split a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, carrot sticks, grapes and an oatmeal muffin. It never got old.

 

“All the people you work with look like models,” she remarked, ignoring Mike when he scoffed. “That Specter isn’t so bad either. Not how I imagined him.”

 

Mike’s mouth went a little dry and he wondered what kind of a picture he’d painted for her with words. “You’re in luck, Grammy,” he teased. “He’s single.”

 

“Well I can see why you’re so invested in your work.”

 

Mike stuffed the rest of his sandwich into his mouth before he could respond to that.

 

“Michael, why do I get the feeling you’re not telling me something?” She raised her eyebrows and gave him that look that told him she could see through everything he built up around him.

 

“I tell you everything, Grammy, you know that,” he said to the genetically modified grape he was rolling between his fingers. “Work stuff.” There was no use trying to lie. “It’s just really personal and it’s over and I’d rather not talk about it.” At least that was honest.

 

“Work stuff and personal stuff is the same stuff now?”

 

Mike could see the gears turning in his Grandmother’s sharp mind but it really wasn’t anything she needed to know about. What could he say? Something unusual had happened between him and his boss a few nights ago, but there was officially nothing going on at the present.

 

Their lunch ended when Grammy noticed him check his watch for the third time. He apologized profusely and sincerely, but there was just so much to be done. He missed her more than she probably knew. If he could, he’d take her on a holiday and spoil her until she got sick of him, but it wasn’t the right time. After he kissed her on the cheek, put her in a cab and watched it disappear around the corner, there was no question in his mind as to what he would use his bonus for.

 

= = =

 

Rachel fell for Mike’s _sneaky-little-boy_ routine, worked her magic, and found an absolutely perfect apartment for his grandmother that was ready to be viewed the next day. Rachel’s particularity over every single detail made him wonder what her apartment looked like. He actually had no idea where she lived, but he imagined her place to look like one of those demo rooms in IKEA: very clean and organized with an impersonal quirk. He was almost certain that if he ever saw where she lived it would be under the kind of circumstances he would regret later, so he tried not to think about it.

 

Rachel invited herself along to see the place when it was time. Mike watched her move around the apartment, seeing it come to life through her eyes, and he sincerely appreciated the care that she had gone through to help him with this. There was no doubt that she and his grandmother could become friends. Maybe Rachel would be willing to come over and help them decorate. A little feng shui never hurt anyone.

 

He found himself admiring the white on white of Rachel’s dress, the clean walls, the light pouring through the window…and he knew he shouldn’t stare. Sometimes he was caught off guard by what a radiant soul she really had, despite her efforts to toughen and streamline her exterior just enough to survive. There was no denying it: she was beautiful, and perhaps even more beautiful than she wanted people to know. He only wished that he could have caught himself staring at her before she did because suddenly she was looking at him and he had no idea what they had been talking about.

 

“I should go meet Harvey,” he blurted, immediately flushing at his own reaction. The remark made him feel inexplicably guilty, like saying the wrong person’s name during sex (which, for the record, he had only done once).

 

Rachel went straight home after a quick goodbye. Mike put down a bid on the unit that he knew they couldn’t refuse and called his grandmother straight away to arrange for dinner so he could surprise her with the news. She wanted to go to a mediocre diner in Brooklyn that she used to take him to sometimes when he was a kid but he was going to treat her to someplace special instead. Feeling extremely accomplished, he hopped on the subway and headed across town to meet Harvey.

 

He was only two minutes late, but Harvey’s face told him it might as well have been two hours.

 

“Nice of you to make it.”

 

“Sorry, I had this thing with Rachel,” Mike explained, immediately regretting his choice of words.

 

“Oh, a date,” Harvey concluded, pushing himself off Ray’s car. “Isn’t that special.” His approval was audibly dropping by the second.

 

Mike followed Harvey up the street, wondering if he detected jealousy in his tone. Of course he wasn’t on a date with Rachel and he wouldn’t want Harvey to think that he was… but he kind of liked that Harvey didn’t like it.

 

“Not as special as your date last night,” Mike remarked, making a barely-conscious effort to strip the heterosexuality from the way their conversation begun. “So how is Louis? What did he wear? Did you get any?” Was that pushing it? Mike didn’t care. He was pretty sure he could say just about anything around Harvey as long as he kept it light.

 

Harvey let him catch up. “He shut me down.”

 

“What?” Mike had honestly expected Harvey to be able to wine and dine his way in or out of just about anything. “This is serious, what are we gonna do?”

 

“I don’t know, but I’ll tell you one thing: I’m not taking ‘no’ for an answer.”

 

Mike believed him. He had to.

 

They rounded the corner to the studio where _One Man’s Opinion_ broadcast from. Harvey handed him a plastic thing on a lanyard on their way through the front doors. He followed his boss’ cues as he led him through the building, flashing the plastic at security when Harvey did. Mike remembered being made to feel like a terrorist when he used to work as a bicycle courier and needed to navigate these kinds of places on his own. It was incredible how he seemed to go practically unnoticed while he was wearing a suit. Apparently, people trusted money.

 

The studio was locked down for a take, so they had to stand outside the heavy doors wordlessly next to a guy with a walkie-talkie and a headset. In the absence of words or actions, Mike’s mind inevitably began to wander towards Harvey. Images from two nights ago started coming back to him...

 

As if telepathically, he saw Harvey turn his head and glance at him from the corner of his eye. Mike looked over at him for a moment, expecting Harvey to look away, but he didn’t. Instead, his eyes moved down towards his neck and lingered there, seeming to notice the red mark he’d left that had almost entirely faded by then. Mike could _feel_ Harvey’s eyes on his skin and sensation spread out across his body underneath his shirt, wrapping around his heart and pumping his blood almost hard enough to alarm him. He didn’t know if Harvey was oblivious to what he was doing or if he was just completely shameless, but it didn’t matter because the guy with the headset pulled the door open and sent them in to meet their client.

 

When their well-practiced good cop/bad cop routine failed (to an extent), Harvey charged Mike with the duty of tracking down their client’s source. He knew that Harvey had an interdepartmental crisis to deal with so he wasn’t going to ask for help. He wasn’t even sure where to begin, but no matter what his approach, he knew he had hours upon hours of video to review and the clock was unforgiving. After making a reluctant phone call to reschedule dinner with his grandmother, Mike never stopped working for a second, pouring every ounce of his mind into the job. He’d ended up spending the whole night awake at the office reviewing footage until he found what he needed. Nobody else would have caught it, but he already happened to have enough information stored in his mind to make something out of what appeared to be nothing.

 

Harvey seemed impressed. They both knew that he couldn’t have pulled it off, which Mike thoroughly enjoyed. But of course Harvey was the people-person and he knew what to actually _do_ with the information Mike dug up.

 

“Here’s what I need you to do…” Harvey gestured for Mike to follow him to his desk where he sat down and opened up his lap top. “You’re gonna give Solis an ultimatum.”

 

“Which is?” Mike placed his hand on the desk next to Harvey’s computer and leaned over his shoulder to take a look at the computer screen. He noticed that his tie was hanging too close to Harvey’s face so he flipped it back over his shoulder. He suddenly wondered if he was standing too close, but he also knew that he had never asked himself that before their _incident_ so he forced himself to stay put.

 

“He either drops the lawsuit and retires, or –“

 

Mike interrupted him with a short burst of laughter. “Sorry. It just seems… unlikely.” His tie flopped down again so once more he flipped it back over his shoulder.

 

“ _Or…_ ” Harvey continued sternly as he opened his browser, “we’ll be forced to compel a testimony from Rubin Hernandez.”

 

Mike nodded slowly. “In which case, everybody loses.”

 

“It’s already a lose-lose situation. At this point our job is damage control.” Harvey finally managed to pull up an address on his screen. “This is where you can find Hernandez tonight. Solis should be at practice this afternoon. The soonest we can meet with Solinsky is tomorrow morning. You _need_ to make sure you can wrangle Solis and Hernandez by then.”

 

Mike was hoping for a nap but it would have to wait for another day. He leaned in closer to see the address, when the especially slippery tie dropped from his shoulder again. Before he could grab it for the third time there was already another hand wrapped around the silk. It tightened suddenly around his neck. Harvey looked up over his shoulder with a strange mix of annoyance and thoughtfulness written across his face, as if he was thinking: _I wonder if it’s possible to snap this kid’s neck with his own tie._

It quickly became clear that those were not Harvey’s thoughts. He wasn’t letting go. He didn’t look away. His face was inches from Mike’s. It came to the point where Mike had to grasp at the fabric and try to release himself but Harvey would not budge. He just sat there watching him panic.

 

That’s when Mike started to get really nervous and froze up. Because of where he was standing, it was unlikely that anyone outside his office could see the hand wrapped around the material hanging from Mike’s neck. Harvey’s eyes lowered a little and Mike saw the muscles around his angular jaw tighten.

 

“Are you wearing make-up?” Harvey brought his eyes back up to Mike’s.

 

“Why do you think that is,” Mike snapped quietly, feeling his cheeks flush. His hand lost a bit of traction against the desk, making him realize that his palms had gone sweaty. It would be so easy to just… slip. He could feel Harvey’s breath on his lips and it was making him dizzy.

 

Harvey released Mike’s tie but his hand snaked up to his throat faster than Mike could make himself disappear. He swallowed hard and turned his eyes to the ceiling when Harvey pushed his thumb into the flesh beneath his jaw, tipping his head up. Then that thumb worked down his neck a few inches and firmly swiped three times against his skin, rubbing the concealer away and reddening the mark that had nearly faded. He never lost contact with Mike’s body as his hand flattened at the base of his throat and stroked down the centre of his chest, smoothing out his rumpled tie.

 

“Regrets?”

 

Mike shook his head with all the certainty in the world. Harvey’s hand was pressed over his heart, which made it beat even harder.

 

“Then no pretending,” Harvey instructed, but Mike couldn’t look at him. He kept his eyes desperately locked on the ceiling. He didn’t know whether he wanted someone walking by to notice that Harvey was torturing him and come to his rescue, or to fall into his lap and bite his lip so hard it wouldn’t heal for a week… just to see what he had to say about ‘pretending’ then.

 

With a barely-detectable note of reluctance, Harvey pushed him away before turning back to his lap top, stone-faced, like nothing had happened.

 

Mike’s neck was burning where Harvey had rubbed his thumb against his skin. He was strangely grateful that his mind was heavy from his sleepless night at the office, because he literally could not process what had just happened and didn’t have the energy to try.

 

“So I’ll just--” Mike stammered, though Harvey did not look up. “It’s um… yep.” And then he got the hell out of there.

 

“You’re not wearing make-up,” Donna observed when he tried to skirt by her unnoticed.

 

“He’s insane,” Mike settled lazily and kept walking. It occurred to him that Harvey had probably chosen his words very carefully knowing that there was a third pair of ears with them since Donna was back. That meant he hadn’t told her about them… whatever there was to tell.

 

Mike should have been relieved that Harvey wasn’t asking him to pretend anything. It was oddly generous of him to throw the sex thing out into the open the day after it happened. Mike wasn’t worried about pretending that they hadn’t spent the night together, because it was unlikely for any circumstance to arise that would give him the opportunity to actually deny it. (Did covering his hickey with make-up count as denial? Harvey seemed to think so, but Mike disagreed.)

 

Sex, he could handle. It happened. Big deal. Why deny it? It was everything _else_ that he needed to worry about locking down. It was the way Mike had felt when Harvey told him to _stay_ the other night at his apartment when he was about to give up. It was the way that same feeling swelled up inside him when Harvey even so much as looked in his direction for more than a few seconds and he remembered how much the man had wanted him and probably still did. And he knew way too much. Harvey had been right before about withholding as much as possible. They wouldn’t have to deny it if they never said it. Mike fucked that one up big time. In his weakest moment, he’d confessed. If he had any regrets, that would be it.

 

Mike was tired and busy and it was not currently in his best interest to dissect Harvey’s impulses. He still felt the imprint of his thumb on his neck, but unexpectedly it felt soothing rather than distracting. Mike got on with his work and didn’t bother hiding in the file room anymore.

 

The rest of the week unfolded in a sleepless, yet productive haze:

 

The bid on the apartment went through.

 

    Rachel passed the LSATs.

 

        He and Harvey got their client to accept the deal.

 

            Eventually, he made it home to change his clothes and return to the office again.

 

                Donna finished restoring her original filing system.

 

                    All was well.

 

Until it wasn’t. And it never would be again.

 

= = =

 

When you say a word over and over again it starts to sound meaningless and foreign. Mike didn’t even know what ‘alone’ meant anymore or if it was necessarily a bad thing, but he knew it wasn’t good.

 

Hardman was voted managing partner. He didn’t care.

 

    Harvey sent him home. He didn’t care.

 

        Rachel disapproved of his stash. He didn’t care.

 

            Tess was married. He didn’t care. He tried to, but ultimately he just didn’t give a fuck.

 

After a little while, Mike started to become numb to it all. He wasn’t sure if it was shock or if his reserves of sadness had run dry. Unfortunately he knew that the latter was impossible. Happiness could technically run out – serotonin production was limited – but grief was bottomless. His heart ached. His body ached. Even his _teeth_ ached. He could feel his veins whither and run dry with salt. It was the same salt he tasted on his gums when his tear ducts spent themselves and there was no more water left to carry his pain out of him. His entire body wanted to shed tears and purge the feeling but nothing could get it out. The pot helped a little. It didn’t make him happy, but it made him quiet.

 

There were a thousand ways he could torture himself with guilt and memories but he knew it wasn’t worth it. He would have his whole life to feel guilty so it was best to let it out in smaller doses over time than overdose when he was most vulnerable.

 

He was sitting on his couch rolling his second joint of the evening, coming down from the first, when he heard an unexpected rap at the door. The second he heard it, he knew it was Harvey. By now he could remember the way his knuckles sounded on the wood. Mike was probably in trouble but it didn’t seem important anymore, so he dragged himself to his feet and opened the door.

 

The last time Harvey turned up he looked exhausted and strange, but this time it was _The_ Harvey Specter at his door, just like the first time when he’d appeared in a tuxedo. At least he knew it was going to be work-related. He’d had it with personal stuff.

 

“When I sent you home, I didn’t mean for you to never come back.”

 

It was certainly a lot softer than the _‘where the fuck have you been’_ that Mike was expecting. Maybe it _was_ going to be personal stuff… there really wasn’t much of a line anymore.

 

Mike took a breath and resigned to the inevitable: “My grandmother died.” At least now Harvey would know that Mike’s absence wasn’t about him, had there been any question of it in his mind.

 

“I know.”

 

How the fuck was _that_ possible?

 

“Look, you obviously weren’t ready to deal with it,” Harvey explained. “So I respected that by keeping you busy. Was I wrong?”

 

“No,” Mike decided. In fact, Harvey was the only one who had been right. He had treated him exactly how he wanted to be treated, which was to be left alone, which nobody else seemed able to do for him. Only now he wasn’t leaving him alone. He was at Mike’s apartment. Why?

Harvey looked him up and down as he snuck past the door. “Are you _stoned_?”

 

“Yep.” There was no use denying it. “And I’m not interested in a lecture, so--”

 

“Good,” Harvey said, crossing the apartment towards his coffee table. “Cause I’m not interested in giving one.”

 

Once Harvey was already inside, Mike realized that he should have tried to stop him before but now it was too late. He closed the door and watched in curiosity as Harvey picked up the joint he had just rolled, and a lighter. He hoped he wasn’t going to throw it out the window.

 

“Yeah, help yourself,” he joked, only realizing after he said the words that Harvey was doing just that.

 

“Don’t mind if I do,” Harvey said with the joint pressed between his lips. And then he actually fucking lit it.

 

Mike watched in pure fascination and surprise as his boss sipped at the joint like a pro. It was suddenly easy to imagine him younger. Not that he was old. He wished he had known Ten-Years-Ago-Harvey. He was curious how their relationship would feel without a decade between them.

 

“Is this the coffee cart guy?”

 

Apparently Harvey was no amateur. Mike nodded, not interested in correcting him. He’d let Harvey feel street-wise if it made him happy.

 

Harvey exhaled with a half grin and began to look around the apartment. Normally Mike would feel self-conscious but this time he just watched Harvey’s face as he took it all in. _Yes, this is my stuff,_ Mike thought proudly. _Bask in it. Enjoy._

 

“How did you know?” Mike asked, suddenly curious. He hadn’t told anyone what happened. “About my grandmother.”

 

“Donna,” Harvey responded. She was the answer to approximately one in five questions. Harvey was rummaging around the coffee table, probably looking for an ash tray so Mike went to the kitchen table and picked it up for him. He held it out for Harvey to tap the ash into, which he did, then he set it back on the table.

 

“But I haven’t even seen her since before…” Then Mike realized: “Rachel.” She must have told Donna when he wouldn’t, knowing that Donna would tell Harvey.

 

“Told you that girl can’t keep her mouth shut,” Harvey chimed, all too quickly. He really wasn’t that keen on ‘that girl’.

 

“Rachel was just trying to help.” His defense was weak, but he felt obligated to make an effort.

 

“Good for her.” Harvey took another puff and handed the joint to Mike.

 

Mike grabbed it – the thing that stood between his lips and Harvey’s lips – and took a drag himself. As much as he wanted to defend Rachel, it amused him to no end how much her existence irritated Harvey. It made him smile.

 

They stood in silence for a couple of minutes, passing the weed back and forth until it was burnt down nearly all the way. The stuff was a lot more potent than Trevor’s, which had been his primary source of recreation for years.

 

“Thanks for not being weird,” Mike offered, breaking the silence through a tight throat. Harvey knew what he needed better than anyone else. He’d made a distinct effort to keep things as stable for him as possible in the midst of the political structure at work being totally scrambled. He’d assured him that ‘everything was status quo’ as far as they were concerned, as if their working relationship had not already been slightly rattled before.

 

“Same thing happened to me,” Harvey said, turning to the window peeking out at the view that was a brick wall.

 

“Your grandma died?” Mike took another long drag. It was quite delicious and wrapped him up like a flannel blanket.

 

“Yeah they both did, but that’s not my point.” Harvey tugged at the drawstring on the crooked blinds, attempting to straighten them. “I wasn’t there to take the call when my dad died. Donna told me. And all I wanted to do was keep working. People don’t like that, do they?” He turned back to Mike and gestured for the joint, which Mike handed to him. “Zoe – did you meet Zoe? – she was so angry that I didn’t take the day off.” He shook his head. “What does she know.”

 

“So you try to make up for it now by skipping work to see him,” Mike guessed. He figured that Harvey might be sticking around a little while so he decided to be a good host and went to the fridge to get them both a beer.

 

Harvey blew out some thin smoke and looked at the thing between his fingers. “I couldn’t face it then. I needed a distraction, otherwise...” He interrupted himself, pressing the butt of the joint into the ash tray. “But not anymore.”

 

Mike stood there with a beer in each hand trying to figure out if Harvey would want to drink it from a glass or not. He felt like he should have seen him drink beer by now. Maybe he had. (Where pot made the average person forgetful, it made his memory only slightly above average.) He took it one step at a time and turned to the counter, searching for his bottle opener. He debated snapping the caps off on the counter but that was only successful 25% of the time and he didn’t want to embarrass himself.

 

“You’re a terrible bartender,” Harvey remarked. He walked up behind Mike, pried one of the cool bottles from his clutch, and popped it open effortlessly against the edge of the counter.

 

“You’re good at everything,” Mike observed woefully.

 

“Mmm,” Harvey mumbled around the opening of the bottle as he tipped it back against his lips. “You get me.” He handed Mike the beer he just drank from, took the other, and cracked it open for himself. The cap landed on the ground by Harvey’s feet with a _cling_.

 

“I’ll get that later,” Mike assured him lazily, gesturing towards the floor, and took a drink. It was the second time in the past ten minutes that their lips had shared something and the very thought of it made his body hum.

 

“Get it _now_ ,” Harvey instructed, his tight lips obviously holding in a devious smirk.

 

Mike was not expecting that. He swallowed hard and glanced down at the bottle cap resting on the floor between their feet. It seemed like such a long trip there and back again.

 

Fuck that. “ _You_ get it.” Harvey was the one who dropped it.

 

Harvey kept his eyes on Mike’s as he took a few deep swigs of his beer, put it on the counter, and crouched down in front of him. He took the cap between his fingers and lifted it in front of his face, eyes still locked on Mike’s.

 

“What do you want me to do with this?” Harvey asked, sinking onto both knees. Clearly he’d been deprived of THC for too long to think that what he was doing was okay. Mike had _never_ seen Harvey on his knees. And why should he have?

 

“Give it to me.” But Mike forgot to extend his hand.

 

Harvey stayed there on his knees looking up at Mike. With the cap still wedged between two fingers, Harvey slid his hand around the back of Mike’s calf and pulled gently.

 

Mike sucked in a deep breath and stepped closer. He rubbed his dry, scratchy eyes and fed the bottle to his lips again, not entirely sure why this was happening or _what_ was happening. He wouldn’t have let Harvey in if he knew it was going to be like this.

 

Or maybe he would have.

 

Mike put the bottle back on the counter and looked down at Harvey. The hand on his calf slid _very_ slowly up to his thigh until Mike’s clasped his hand over Harvey’s, halting the movement.

 

“You have no idea the kinds of things I wanna do to you,” Harvey admitted. His voice was low and smooth, lips parted, fingers digging deeper into Mike’s thigh.

 

Mike raked his teeth over his lower lip, feeling his body go weak. “Then do it,” he breathed. It was the opposite of what he intended to say (which was something along the lines of: _‘fuck you for pulling this after you told me we weren’t going to fuck again’_ ), but he couldn’t help himself. His brain wasn’t even willing to comprehend the possibilities of Harvey’s suggestion, but his body was. He could feel his pants growing tight at his crotch. “I’m all yours.”

 

The crinkle around the corners of Harvey’s eyes slowly faded. “No you’re not.” After a few seconds, he slid his hand free, slowly rising to his feet again.

 

“I’m not?” Mike’s heart began to thud hard harder and maybe even slower in his subdued panic, like it was pumping jam instead of blood. What had he done wrong? There was _no way_ he could have misinterpreted Harvey’s advance. Harvey was the one who told him not to pretend, so he was just being honest. That couldn’t get him in trouble, could it?

 

Harvey put the cap down on the counter and licked his lips. “Do you have any food?”

 

 _Are you fucking kidding me?_ “I have pretzels, olives, salad dressing,” he listed in a daze. “And a samosa but I’m saving that.” His esophagus became unexpectedly excited at the prospect of food passing through it.

 

“Let’s start with the pretzels and go from there,” Harvey suggested in all seriousness.

 

Mike nodded, no longer perturbed because it sounded like an incredible idea, and far more important than what had just happened.

 

For the next twenty minutes Harvey made a half-assed attempt to tidy Mike’s apartment for him, ate his snacks, and started spilling stories while Mike lounged on the couch with a lazy smile plastered across his face. He wasn’t so amused by the stories themselves, but by the fact that Harvey was telling them to him. He talked about his dad’s music, growing up, his dad’s music, going to college, his dad’s music again, and the highlight of the evening: meeting Jerry Seinfeld. It took Mike a while to figure out who he was talking about because Harvey kept calling him ‘Jerome’. He tried to teach Mike to crack open a few more beers on the counter, giving him a lingering pat on the back when he was successful. He was actually touching Mike quite a lot – his arm, his shoulder, his back – but in such a casual manner that Mike couldn’t really make anything of it. Eventually Mike lit up another joint even though he _definitely_ didn’t need it. He was actually having fun for the first time in a long time and he wanted to keep riding that as long as he could.

 

Eventually the conversation sobered up a little when Harvey mentioned the contract on what would have been his grandmother’s apartment. They found themselves at the kitchen table together, and Harvey repeated much of the details about his father he’d been recalling all evening, with a few new ones. Eventually, he said that word… the one Mike had been digesting almost nonstop: ‘alone’.

 

“Wow,” Mike remarked, wondering if two ‘totally alone’ people could really be alone together. “Your stoned is _depressing.”_ With the exception of all the friendliness. Every high had its low, he supposed. “You should never share your feeling ever again. Not with me.” He meant to jest, but it might have come out a little harsh. Harvey had gone out on an emotional limb several times that week.

 

“What can I say, it’s been a tough weak for both of us.”

 

Mike swallowed hard, not prepared to take on the full implications on that statement. “ _Hardman_ ,” he said, distracting Harvey from all the other stresses of their week.

 

“Oh, what I wouldn’t give to piss in that bastard’s office,” Harvey fantasized.

 

Mike almost laughed at the imagery. “Pretty quick off the tongue.”

 

“Well I’ve done it before.”

 

This was too good to be true.

 

“To Louis,” Harvey specified.

 

“No way.” Mike would have to get Harvey stoned more often, wondering what other acts of hooliganism he’d committed.

 

“Way,” Harvey admitted, sounding a little bit proud of himself. He grinned, which made Mike grin wider, and soon they were laughing again.

 

“Wait…” Mike had a plan. It wasn’t a good plan or a bad plan, but it was proactive. He leaned across the table. “If you’ve done that before…”

 

Harvey’s eyes crinkled and he let himself smile. “Why not do it again?”

 

Neither of them could hold in the laughter.

 

Three Gatorades and one cab ride later, when Mike’s bladder was about to explode, Harvey backed out. But he must have felt like he owed Mike something because he extended an invitation to join the sacred ritual involving The Can Opener. It was enough to make Mike forget about the orange fluid sloshing around above his groin.

 

It took him a second to remember that Harvey’s office had been moved to another floor, which made him sad. Harvey was the most important person _ever_ and he didn’t deserve to be downgraded. He couldn’t even imagine how Harvey must have felt about it, but he seemed to be coping well enough.

 

The elevator chimed and he leapt in after Harvey, pulling his hood down.

 

“What we do is this--”

 

“Wait,” Mike interjected as the doors closed.

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t… don’t tell me.” It wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing. “I don’t wanna know.”

 

Harvey scoffed. “Of course you want to know.”

 

“It’s just that when you spend so much time wondering about something and imagining it over and over…” Harvey looked lost so he cut to the point. “I just don’t wanna lose the magic, you know?”

 

Harvey blinked at him a few times. “Are you talking about The Can Opener, Mike?”

 

Mike realized what he must have sounded like. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

 

“I’m hurt,” Harvey exaggerated, taking a step towards him. His eyes were bright and dark, though his lids looked a bit heavy. “But that’s an interesting perspective. Haven’t we already put that to the test?”

 

Before Mike had a chance to process the question or answer it, he felt Harvey’s body come up against his. A strong, warm hand slid around his neck and they were kissing as easily as breathing in and out. It felt so natural that it took a few seconds for Mike to realize that he probably should have felt surprised, but instead he just melted into it. He could recognize the effect that the drug had on his body but it didn’t bother him. Harvey pulled Mike’s hood back up and drew him in by the fabric, blinding him to everything but Harvey, kissing him deeper, and Mike couldn’t help but remember how it felt to bury himself under Harvey’s duvet. One of the hands left his hood and trailed down his chest and his belly… he tucked his fingers between Mike’s legs and cupped the semi he’d been carrying around with him all night.

 

When Harvey broke the kiss, Mike panted against his mouth. “Keep going!”

 

“Are you sure?” Harvey traced his lips along Mike’s cheek and pushed his palm more firmly against Mike’s jeans. “I wouldn’t wanna lose the magic…”

 

Mike was about to dive in for another kiss when the elevator chimed again and they both froze.

 

Harvey pulled Mike’s hood back down again and swallowed hard. “Nix The Can Opener if you’re really not interested. But I’ve got a bottle of scotch in my office.”

 

Mike nodded and followed Harvey into the hallway. Like most of his other nights spent in the office, he sensed that it was going to be a very productive one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part should be up within a week. It will not be posted any later than January 17th.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The world did everything in its power to prevent me from working on this for the last few weeks (computer crashed, schedule exploded, last-minute move) but it's finally done! 
> 
> This chapter is probably about 75% spoilers so if for some reason you haven't seen episode 2.10 ('High Noon') please watch that first.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read and commented! I most likely would not have finished this if there was no interest so I really appreciate all the enthusiastic and insightful things people have had to say. :) AND THANK YOU LITTLEGIRLTREE for being my amazing beta reader. You see things with a level of detail that my brain simply is not capable of.

Discovering Louis in Harvey’s office was as much of a shock as it was a turn-off. On the other hand, had Louis not been there when they arrived then they probably never would have ended up where they did. Rather than being sprawled naked across Harvey’s desk next to an open bottle of scotch as Mike had anticipated, they were instead scouring the file room for evidence of a conspiracy against the firm, and against Donna. Mike became quietly hopeful again when Harvey mentioned that there were no security cameras in the room, but his focus sharpened through the haze of pot and lust when they actually found a solid lead. He wasn’t sure that either of them had really expected their crazy theories to amount to anything, but there it was in Harvey’s hand.

 

They stayed up that night and did what they did best: brainstorming, which was almost as good as fucking when it was with Harvey. (Maybe not _‘almost’_ but it was an acceptable substitute given the circumstances.) Mike’s brain was rarely stimulated much by another person and Harvey knew just where to press. It had always really excited him to bounce ideas around with the other man, finishing each other’s thoughts, forming a strategy or a theory together. They could keep up with each other, and it was mutually understood what a rarity it was for both of them to find an intellectual rival who also happened to be on the same side of the battle.

 

All too quickly it was time to go home. Whatever had sparked between them earlier had simmered down over hours of legal review and the more sober Mike felt, the more he realized that it was a good thing to put the stranger parts of their evening in the past and move on with the fight to win back the firm. There was nothing left that they could do in the office before Jessica arrived and they still had a chance to get a bit of rest.

 

By the time they stepped onto the sidewalk outside the building it was already that pale Manhattan witching hour after the hookers had called it a night and before the coffee vendors had started setting up. Mike was close to sober but still on a buzz from the thrill of their discoveries, especially given how quickly it had all come together. Mingled with exhaustion and sharpened by the cool, still air was a distinct sense of hope and optimism. He was starved for it after the lows he’d plunged to following his grandmother’s death, so he welcomed the feeling.

 

A cab found them almost immediately and Harvey climbed in, holding the door open for Mike, who had expected to see it drive off without him. He only hesitated for a moment before he got in, a little confused about the implications of traveling home with Harvey but not interested in questioning the invitation. Of course then Mike heard him say ‘Brooklyn’ and sank back into his seat with an unexpected level of comfort and understanding when Harvey went on to explain to the driver that his own place was on the way, so he would be getting out first. They would go their separate ways.

 

 _Good_ , Mike told himself firmly. It was for the best. He was fully prepared to write off Harvey’s earlier flirtations as the result of the pot and the beer chemically lowering his inhibitions, much in the same way he’d been drinking when he showed up at his door after returning to the city from his father’s grave. It was clear to both of them by now that they were attracted to each other, chemical encouragement or not. There was no use denying that, but Mike really didn’t _need_ more, as much as he wanted and enjoyed all that he could possibly get from Harvey. The man was practically the closest thing he had to family at this point (even though that was a stretch) and he truly didn’t want to make it any more complicated than it needed to be.

 

It was settled. It was done. It was over.

 

But then Harvey looked over at him with a nod and said: “Good work tonight.”

 

_Oh fuck, I’m crazy about you. You asshole. Stop letting me love you._

Mike’s throat tightened as he stared back at Harvey, then turned back to the window before the man could see through him. The cab slowed to a stop at the curb next to Harvey’s building and he heard the distinct sound of a few crisp bills flicking between Harvey’s fingers.

 

“I don’t want to see you in the office any later than 7:00,” Harvey instructed, prompting Mike to look over at him again. “We’re pitching this to Jessica tomorrow, first thing. She’s going to ask for solid proof, and we need to find it _as soon as goddamn possible_. Preferably before noon.” He leaned forward and handed a sufficient sum to the driver, giving him Mike’s address. When his hand was on the handle of the door he paused with a deep sigh. “This had better all still make sense in the morning,” he spoke, almost as a warning, even though the planted memo had been Harvey’s thought in the first place.

 

“It will,” Mike assured him.

 

Harvey seemed satisfied by Mike’s confidence and left him in the cab alone. Mike kept his eyes on Harvey as he walked through to the glass doors of his building, crossing through the hypermodern white lobby, until the cab took him away.

 

= = =

 

Mike didn’t get a wink of sleep. He showered, picked out a fresh suit, and managed to lay there in his bed for nearly two hours, resting his body but not his mind. He wondered what would have happened if he had jumped out of the cab and followed Harvey inside. Would the man have allowed him to wordlessly follow him back up to his apartment to sleep next to him, or would he have scolded him and sent him away? To be honest, Harvey had been so out of line in the past few days that Mike really didn’t know what their boundaries were.

 

 _‘We had sex, it was fun. It won’t happen again.’_ Those had been Harvey’s words. Technically they hadn’t deviated from that pledge, but the rest of it had been nearly enough to drive him insane. Harvey was teasing him deliberately, and it made him wonder if the man really was trying to make him crazy. Mike thought he’d been coping quite well with everything Harvey had been throwing at him. If it was all some kind of a test, as he was beginning to suspect it was, Mike hoped that he was passing. But if it _was_ a test and he _did_ pass… what did that get him exactly?

 

He had more important things to think about.

 

Two and a half hours after he’d arrived home he was getting dressed again, coyly dabbing a little of that concealer underneath his sleepless eyes before walking out the front door. He was determined to act more focused and rested than he really was, and the pretending got him further than he thought it would.

 

The events of that day unfolded before him so quickly that he felt like an outsider looking in. Even when he kissed Rachel, he didn’t realize he was doing it until she told him to stop. His shallow reserve of adrenaline was dangling his better judgement into a puddle of half-sleep and he thought for a moment he might have been dreaming. Mike couldn’t completely understand at first why Rachel had told him to stop. Why were all these people in his life claiming that they loved him (in their own words), only to push him away? The kiss wasn’t even such a big deal – just a little recreation between two good-looking people. Right?

 

But when he imagined the possibility that Harvey may have felt the same way about their intimacy, it almost made him feel sick. He couldn’t have been just a bit of entertainment. It was _more_ than that, he knew it was. They both knew. And yet there he was with Rachel, wasting her time again. If he meant more to Harvey, then what was he doing with the girl in front of him? She was always just so available… such a warm and welcoming distraction, filling in the emotional gaps that Harvey had torn wide open. It would have to stop soon though, because he was not a distraction for Rachel, even if that’s what she was for him on occasion.

 

As he walked away from the mess he made, something occurred to him that his sober mind had not yet had a chance to turn over. In his kitchen the night before, Mike had made a passing comment to Harvey that he was _‘all his’_ but Harvey disputed him on it and let him go when they were probably only minutes away from a blowjob. It wasn’t right. But now he understood. He couldn’t just keep throwing pieces of his heart at everyone who gave him some attention. It devalued his feelings for Harvey, which ran unbearably deep. Perhaps Harvey didn’t trust him. It wouldn’t come as a surprise if Harvey thought that ‘love’ was a word he used all the time. He’d seen him bounce from girl to girl, and had even called him out on how fickle he was with his feelings.

 

Mike’s relationship with Rachel was off-balance. His relationship with Harvey was… well, it wasn’t. What he needed was to find someone who fell in between the anonymous late-night fucks with lonely guys in public restrooms, and the sweet girl who loved and comforted him. He needed someone for whom he was just as much a distraction for them as they were for him. He didn’t want to try to win Harvey’s affection, and he didn’t want to try to _not_ need it either. He wanted to bury the short-lived affair under a more manageable one. Something simple.

 

At the end of the day when Jessica pulled in the votes, just as he knew she would, Mike went through the motions of celebrating. After he lost his grandmother, the problems at work seemed so much less important, so while it was nice to win one he just didn’t care as much as he could have. He was happy and relieved of course, but not in the way that everyone else was. He never got a moment alone with Harvey for the rest of the day either, and he was certain that it was no accident. He did earn a private, amused smirk when Mike made a discrete throwback to having the man at his feet on the floor of his kitchen one night earlier _(‘How often do you really look at a man’s shoes?’)_ but that effectively ended their conversation.

 

Harvey left that night without saying ‘goodbye’ or ‘good work’. Of course, neither were ever necessary. That was just how things worked with them.

 

When Mike got home to his apartment, Harvey started to feel so far away. The idea of being with him again seemed more foolish and naïve with every passing minute. Regardless, he picked up his phone to check his messages. Harvey hadn’t attempted to make contact of course, but there was a text message from someone else.

 

_‘I’ll be in town until tomorrow night. Let me know if you need anything.’_

It was Tess.

_‘PS: Sorry about before. Still buds?’_

Without hesitating, Mike hit the call button. Tess was just the fix he had been looking for all along and he should never had rejected her in the first place.

 

= = =

 

“You’re married.” Mike had to say it out loud to see if it had any impact on either of them. It didn’t.

 

“I am,” Tess agreed softly. “But you called me anyway.”

 

“I did,” Mike confessed.

 

Tess eyed him a moment before stepping cautiously into his apartment.

 

So maybe he was a bad person. It didn’t matter. They had each other long before they had anyone else, and this was _their_ time… nobody else’s. Everything aside, Mike really was happy to see an old friend.

 

By the time he locked the door and turned back around, Tess was already dropping her coat onto the couch. He caught her eyes and both of them were still for a moment, not sure how to proceed. Tess was the one to take initiative (just like she always did) and set the pace by lifting her shirt over her head.

 

Mike did the same. He was glad that there was no pretense.

 

They each continued to strip, standing a few feet apart. Mike took her body in with his eyes. The last time he’d seen her nude they’d both been 17, and now she had the body of a woman – not a girl. Once she was clad only in her lingerie, she seemed to hesitate a moment when her arms bent behind her to unclasp her bra. Mike thought back to their first time. He barely touched her then because he didn’t want to make her feel pressed to give any more than she was willing to share, so they had watched each other undress slowly, Mike pausing every time she did. But now they were adults, and it was different.

 

Mike stepped towards Tess and confidently slid his hands around her ribs, covering her hands with his and unclasping her bra. He dipped his head towards her neck, breathing in the scent of her hair as he slid her bra down her arms and dropped it to the floor. She smelled different, which should have been completely obvious. She wouldn’t be using the same conditioner that her parents had bought when she was 17.

                                                                                                                         

“Do you have kids?” Mike couldn’t help himself. Most of his memories of Tess were at her parent’s house and thinking of family it just slipped out. He kept his face hidden, turning his attention to her earlobe.

 

“Not at the moment,” she whispered, running her warm hands up his chest.

 

Mike exhaled in relief, pressing his lips to her neck and thinking of Harvey. He thought of how much it had hurt him to have an unfaithful mother.

 

_Get out of my head, Harvey. This is my Me-Time._

Mike pulled Tess closer, squeezing his eyes shut, feeling her breasts crush against him. Her hands slid around his back, digging her fingertips into his flesh, urging him even closer. But when he moved his lips to the other side of her neck and suckled gently at her tender skin, he felt her tense up momentarily.

 

“Careful,” she warned softly, keeping her tone light. She looked into his eyes confidently. “I don’t need to bring a hickey home with me tomorrow.”

 

There was no escaping it. Even with a beautiful woman half naked in his arms he couldn’t take his mind off Harvey.

 

Tess must have sensed that she had upset him. “Mike,” she said, cupping his face with one hand with a soft smile. “I have an open marriage. But let’s keep the souvenirs to a minimum. It’s just poor form.”

 

Mike tried to take that all in. “So you’re not… cheating?” He didn’t know what the rules were. “Why didn’t you tell me that before?”

 

Tess shrugged. “I didn’t want to come on too strong,” she confessed with a tiny grin.

 

Mike almost laughed. “Okay, well… I’m not 17 years old anymore, I’ve moved past the hickey phase.”

 

“Apparently not,” she teased, tracing her thumb along the pink spot on his neck that just would not disappear.

 

Mike’s smile faded though he tried to hang on to it while his heart squeezed a few ice cubes through its valves. “You look amazing,” he offered, doing his best to thaw out and pour all his concentration into the woman in front of him.

 

“So do you.” She smiled and began to toe off her pumps, holding on to Mike for balance.

 

Once Tess was on flat feet, Mike twisted his finger around the narrow band of her thong and led her to his bed. When they hit the mattress, Tess was all over him. He wrapped his fingers around the silky locks of hair pouring down over their shoulders next to his face, kissing her lips, her throat, and then her breasts as they sat up together again. He was trapped between Tess’ smooth, narrow thighs as she drew his body into hers almost aggressively. He could feel her warmth through their underwear as she slowly rocked against him, but for some reason it just wasn’t clicking yet. Even when she slid her hand down between them down the front of his briefs, her hand felt good but nothing was happening.

 

“You are _so_ sexy,” Mike told her, sliding his hand up her neck and pulling her in for another kiss, but really he was trying to tell his body what it was already supposed to know. He moved his hands down her back and cupped her ass, pulling her closer, trying to create the right kind of friction to get the blood flowing.

 

Tess drew away from his lips gently and pulled her hand out from his boxers. “Mike—“

 

“I’m just tired,” Mike interrupted. “We’re not in a rush, are we? I’m totally into you…” He wrapped his arms around her and gently flipped her over onto her back, and he realized that he kind of missed how it was to be with someone small and light, like Jenny. He hadn’t been with a woman since they broke up and even though it hadn’t been that long, it seemed foreign again. He felt like a virgin, looking down at this beautiful woman in his bed but feeling removed from their bodies, like they were only re-enacting a scene from a romantic movie… just going through the motions. Tess looked like a friend but felt like a stranger. Yes, they had a history, but Mike had no idea who this person was anymore. Normally that wasn’t a problem for him, so why did he feel so empty all of the sudden?

 

“No rush at all,” Tess whispered at last. She touched his face and brought him down for a deep kiss.

 

Within a few minutes their bodies had fallen into a vaguely familiar rhythm. He got Tess out of her panties but when she reached for the waistband of his boxers he stopped her. There wasn’t much to see yet and the more embarrassed he felt, the less likely it was that he was going to become aroused.

 

“Don’t take it personally,” he said, feeling his ears going red with embarrassment. “You’re _crazy_ sexy, and I’m _really_ glad you’re here…”

 

“You’ve got a lot on your mind,” Tess said, tracing a circle on his shoulder with her finger. “You know it’s okay if you just… want some company. We don’t have to –“

 

“No, I _want_ to,” Mike insisted. He laced his fingers between hers and pressed her hands into the pillow on either side of her head as she smiled up at him.

 

As if his body hadn’t failed him enough, his stomach picked that moment to growl fiercely.

 

Tess laughed. “I felt that! When’s the last time you ate?”

 

“I have no idea,” Mike answered honestly. All he’d consumed that day was a few sips of champagne. The last thing he’d eaten must have been some pretzels the night before, although Harvey hadn’t much been in the mood to share.

 

“Hey. You okay?”

 

Mike blinked and looked down at Tess. She could see he was somewhere else. This was unfair. He couldn’t have Harvey, and he couldn’t have anyone else _because_ of Harvey.

 

Tess gently pulled her hands free and eased out from underneath Mike. “We’re not going any further until you eat something,” she said decisively, pulling his bed sheet up underneath her arms. “You’re running on empty.”

 

“Are you being serious?” Mike reached for the bed sheet to give it a tug but apparently she _was_ being serious. His stomach wailed again, which made Tess laugh.

 

“Like you said, we’re not in a hurry.” She shifted up against the headboard. “We kind of hit the ground running, didn’t we? I think it’s safe to start over.”

 

Mike sighed deeply, feeling pathetically emasculated but also extremely hungry. It was true.

 

Then he remembered the oversized samosa in his fridge. He’d been saving it, and now was the time. It probably had the taste and texture of a freeze-dried rock by then but if he could get it down it would certainly smother the grumbling in his stomach.

 

Mike smiled at Tess, glad that she was so easygoing, and pushed himself to his feet. “I don’t have anything to feed you,” Mike explained as he crossed the kitchen to the fridge.

 

“I only came here for dessert,” Tess teased. She knew how lame it was, which helped to keep Mike from visibly cringing.

 

When he opened the fridge door and looked inside, all that was left was the salad dressing and a half tin of olives. No samosa… just the paper bag it had come in, crumpled into a sad little ball on the shelf. Harvey probably snuck into the fridge and ate it the night before while Mike was taking a leak. He must have felt real proud of himself.

 

_Harvey, you son of a bitch. I told you I was saving that._

That’s when Mike realized that he really was hopeless. He couldn’t get away from Harvey. He was already in way too deep. It wasn’t his choice.

 

“Mike?”

 

Mike looked back, wondering how long he had really been standing there with his hand on the refrigerator door. “Kitchen’s closed. I’m getting delivery.”

 

Tess’ patience was really killing him. She seemed remarkably calm and comfortable sitting naked under his bed sheet, taking in the details of his apartment with a faint smile while she waited for him to order a pizza. When he finished placing his order, he didn’t know what to do with himself, or with Tess. The pizza place was just a few blocks away but they still had at least 15 minute to kill, and she’d said there’d no more action until after he’d eaten.

 

“Do you work out?”

 

Mike laughed. That was the best answer he could give her, and suddenly felt tempted to put his shirt back on… but he didn’t.

 

“You look… _really_ good,” she said. “Good glutes… calves… I thought maybe you ran.”

 

“I ride my bike,” Mike said. He sat down on the bed next to her, settling against the headboard. “Although now that I have an income I’m kind of warming up to this taxi cab stuff once in a while.”

 

“Well that’s a relief,” she said. “Nobody in their right mind would ever give you a driver’s licence. Maniac.”

 

Mike grinned. He was actually a very careful driver. _Too_ careful, in fact. “ _God giveth, and the DMV taketh away…_ ” Tess’ silence prompted him to look over at her slightly puzzled expression. “ _License to Drive_. Nevermind.” He knew for a fact that they rented it and watched it together when they were twelve but apparently Tess didn’t remember that. He never knew when people were forgetful or just normal. “If you weren’t a little boy in the 80’s you would have no reason to know what I’m talking about.”

 

They both smiled. The next wave of silence was more comfortable than the first. Tess gently tipped her head against his shoulder and Mike kissed the top of her head. It was nice to have someone to sit with and talk to. And he missed Grammy.

 

“Mike,” Tess began carefully. “What am I really doing here?”

 

Mike sighed. There was no use trying to make it something that it wasn’t meant to be. “I think you’re, like… a surrogate,” he admitted. “And I mean… not for my grandmother.”

 

“You mean like a rebound?”

 

Mike shook his head, but Tess couldn’t see. Her head was still lowered against his shoulder. “Technically I think there should have been a relationship for this to constitute as a rebound.” It was probably a lot easier to talk to her like this, when she couldn’t see his face.

 

Tess sighed. “Rachel.”

 

“No,” Mike said quickly. But he did kind of want to talk about this, and he really didn’t want Tess to know that it was his _boss_ he’d been fucking around with. “Yeah,” he lied after a pause. “Rachel. It’s been complicated.”

 

Tess didn’t seem fazed. “Tell me.” She shifted down a little lower and pressed her cheek to Mike’s chest.

 

“She um…” he swallowed hard. “She came over about a week ago and told me she had feelings for me. She said she didn’t want to act on them, but that she wanted me to know. I already knew, and she knew I knew, so I didn’t really know what she expected from me.”

 

“Well she obviously expected _something_ to change. So what happened?”

 

Long story short: “We had sex.” His fingers absently found their way into Tess’ soft head of hair, stroking gently. “She made it clear that it would only be a one-time thing, which I was pretty much okay with.”

 

“Yeah. When I met her she was the first one to say that you weren’t dating.”

 

Mike nodded. “But ever since then she’s been coming on to me like crazy. She gave me this stupid hickey and then told me not to cover it up. She cornered me in an elevator at work and kissed me, and then acted like it never happened. I feel like she’s allowed to do whatever she wants but if I were to make any kind of move it would be _unprofessional_.” Mike sighed. “I think about her constantly.I can’t stop. It’s fucking with my head.”

 

“No offence, Mike, but she sounds like a crazy bitch.”

 

Mike almost laughed, always grateful for Tess’ blunt opinions and gentle delivery. His nerves calmed as he felt another swell of honesty rise up in his chest. “I’m in love with her,” he confessed, fighting against the hypocrisy of telling this to the naked person in his bed. “And I don’t think she wants me to be.”

 

“Do you want to be?”

 

How was that a question? He didn’t have a choice. But the answer was a resounding: “Yes. She’s the most important person to my life. I can’t risk fucking this up.”

 

Tess nodded against his chest and slid her hand up to his bare shoulder. She pressed her fingers into the tissue just below his neck. “God, this _is_ stressing you out,” she observed, sitting up and finally looking Mike in the eye. “You’ve got a knot like a fist.”

 

Mike rolled his shoulder a little. She might have just become uncomfortable with the conversation had headed and was looking to redirect it, but he really _was_ tense. “How are those magic fingers of yours holding up?” he asked.

 

Tess grinned. She stretched out her fingers and looked at her hands, back and front. “It’s been a long time. My husband hates massages. Makes him squeamish.”

 

Mike still wasn’t totally at ease with the husband thing, but it couldn’t have been comfortable for Tess to hear that he was using her as a substitute for someone he loved either. “Come on, it’s like riding a bike,” Mike encouraged. The idea of a massage was being more appealing to him by the second. They used to do this all the time.

 

Tess grabbed Mike by his arm and coaxed him down onto the bed face first. “Get outta my face, lover-boy,” she teased with a grin. He felt her swing a naked leg over and settled onto his thighs. She pulled his arms down by his sides and soon her warm hands were kneading slowly at the flesh surrounding his scapula.

 

Mike groaned into the bed, surprised by her strength.

 

“Good?”

 

Mike nodded. “Fuck yeah.” He breathed into his mattress for a few seconds before he spoke again. “What should I do?” He wished he’d just been honest and asked his Grammy the same thing the last time he saw her. She would have had the right answer.

 

“I think you should stop letting her waste your time,” Tess answered confidently. She pushed more of her weight into her fingertips. “She’s obviously testing you. She sounds really manipulative, Mike, I don’t think you need that mess.”

 

The tension clung to his muscles, fighting Tess’ strong fingers. “Testing me how?”

 

“You work together, right?”

 

Mike nodded.

 

“I know exactly what she’s doing. I’ve done it,” Tess confessed.

“What? What’s she doing?” Jesus, was there actually an _answer_ to this whole week? He closed his eyes and let himself imagine it was Harvey’s fingers against his back. _Keep pressing till it hurts_ , he always said.

 

“Yeah, totally. I mean, it’s probably a girl thing…” She moved her hands a little lower and starting working with her palms.

 

Mike was tempted to confess that he was talking about a man but decided not throw the delectable massage off course. “Too bad I’m not gay.”

 

“Michael, I have known you way too long to even _think_ about opening up _that_ can of worms.”

 

Mike looked back at Tess over his shoulder. “What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?”

 

“Anyway,” Tess continued, gently pushing his face back down onto the bed. “It’s a defense mechanism. Has she had any office relationships before? Did they end badly?”

 

Mike thought about it. He knew that Rachel had some kind of office relationship in the past but Harvey’s past was a mystery. But then he remembered something about Zoe. He’d heard enough bits and pieces about her over time to know that she and Harvey had been involved.

 

“Yes,” he answered. “And yes.” What the hell did Tess see that he didn’t? “I think the person she was involved with actually left the firm.”

 

“There you have it,” Tess concluded. “She doesn’t want a messy break-up. And if her last boyfriend actually _quit_ because of her, she’s probably scared of losing you. You guys are pretty good friends too, right? I can tell that you are.”

 

Mike wasn’t sure he was clear. “So what you’re saying is…” Tess dug the heels of her palms into _just the right place_ and pulled a deep groan out of him. “You’re saying,” he continued lazily, “that he’s… _she’s_ … kind of _simulating_ a break-up? So she knows if it’s worth getting involved?”

 

“Before she gets invested. Like I said… I’ve done it.” She relaxed her fingers and slowly smoothed her hands down Mike’s back, turning him to a heap of warm putty. “I’m a nice girl, but I can’t say I’m a good person.”

 

“You’re a _smart_ person with the fingers of a ninja,” he groaned into the mattress. His back and shoulder were radiating a soft heat and he could feel the tension slip away like steam.  He rolled over as much as he could, hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her onto the bed with him, tangling them both under the covers. He felt post-orgasmic.

 

“I haven’t lost the touch, have I?”

 

Mike smiled and placed a kiss on her lips, feeling lighter than he had in weeks. He felt… clear. “Are you talking about Tess The Psychoanalyst or Tess The Masseuse? I never would have guessed you’d taken a hiatus from either one.”

 

“All of the above.” Her hand snuck down under the cover she’d wrapped Mike up in and wiggled her fingertips gently against his side, tickling him until the laughter was bubbling up out of them like they were kids again. Things always felt easy with Tess. She did have some kind of a gift with people, even if he wasn’t certain exactly what it was.

 

Tess slid her hand back up his chest. “Just like riding a bike,” she suggested.

 

“Okay. I should be more upset that you just compared me to a bike, but I love bikes.” Their lips stumbled into a kiss effortlessly, though there was no promise of anything further.

 

A knock at the door. It wasn’t Harvey.

 

“Pizza,” Tess guessed.

 

That was really fast. Someone was going to get a big tip. “Okay!” He showed off to his friend with an entirely graceful backwards somersault off the bed and grabbed a t-shirt from the floor.

 

“Is this a bad time to tell you that I’m vegan?”

 

Mike happened to know where to get a decent vegan pizza and would have done that instead had he known. Next time. “Uh, no,” he said, hoping that she really wasn’t just being polite about saying she’d eaten already. “More pizza for me.” He looked down at her and she was just… beautiful. So he kissed her again because he was allowed to. She was the only one in his life who hadn’t put up walls and he was going to enjoy that while he could.

 

When he opened the door, his heart sank like an anvil through his guts. Within a split second he knew he was going to hurt Rachel and there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it. He stood there powerless as she spoke, whispering ‘ _I’m sorry’_ with his eyes.

 

“You were right,” Rachel settled breathlessly, totally beaming. She was oblivious, and that was all Mike’s fault. “I don’t care about being smart…”

 

Mike licked his lips, searching for the words. He’d betrayed her. He never should have led her to this dead-end in the first place. Nothing he could do would fix that now.

 

Suddenly Rachel’s eyes flicked over his shoulder. He looked back to see Tess in the kitchenette, wrapped in his bed sheet, frozen like a deer in the headlights. She must have been just as shocked as Mike was after all the lies he’d told her, but when he’d told Tess about his dilemma he’d neglected to incorporate the details of the _other –_ the person who he’d been using all along to tend to his emotional sores.

 

_Someday I’m going to make this up to you, Rachel, if you don’t disappear faster than I can fix us._

 

Rachel looked completely deflated, the sparkle in her eye snuffed out the moment she saw Tess.

 

Mike opened his mouth to apologize, but –

 

“Please.” Rachel lifted a hand to stop him and walked slowly back down the hall in a daze.

 

Mike knew better than to try to stop her. He reluctantly shut the door and looked back at Tess for some kind of guidance.

 

“I shouldn’t have come here,” she whispered.

 

“I’m glad you came here,” Mike said a little numbly. He really was glad he got a chance to talk, although he shouldn’t have invited her over under the pretenses that he did.

 

“You need to cut her off,” Tess told him. Her voice was soft, but she was using her charm to hide something else.

 

“What are you talking about? I told you that I love her.”

 

“She’s messing with your head, Mike, you said it yourself. She’s a manipulator.”

 

 _It takes one to know one,_ Mike thought childishly. “I really am glad you came here tonight,” Mike told her again. “But you really need to leave. Now.”

 

Tess nodded and gathered her clothes without another word.

 

= = =

 

Mike dressed himself in a complete daze. Every inch of his body was humming with a storm of emotions, but he finally felt clear. It was time to end it with Rachel. It was time to be a good friend to her, because that’s what they both really needed. It was time to end it with Tess, too, because suddenly he remembered all the reasons they didn’t keep in touch after he moved away. And it was time to end it with Harvey, once and for all. Life was too short to play games and test the waters. They were in this, or they weren’t. They both lived such different lifestyles, and their worldviews didn’t exactly run parallel, but he was the only person Mike could truly trust. Harvey was always honest with him, he protected him and he challenged him. He’d never felt more of anything for anyone than he’d felt for Harvey, and he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to conjure such a reserve of love for another person again. It seemed impossible. Harvey was _right there_ , and he was the one who opened up the possibility of something more. He was the one who wanted Mike to know the truth.

 

That’s what they had above all else: truth.

 

And that’s why Mike needed to confront him. He had to know if Harvey was manipulating him. Had it all been some kind of test? Did Harvey have that little faith in his judgement?

 

Mike called Harvey’s number for the third time. Still no answer and still he neglected to leave a voicemail. It was just past midnight and Harvey was probably asleep, just as he should have been. He didn’t want to disturb Harvey’s well-earned rest, but he couldn’t wait another minute for his life to begin.

 

Mike had just rolled his bike out the front door for his building, helmet in hand, when a cab drove by him slowly and came to a stop. He turned his back to the car and averted his eyes, concentrating on a shoelace that needed to be tied. He could still see the headlights of the cab behind him flooding the sidewalk. He _clearly_ had his own ride and it sometimes shocked him how desperate the cabbies could be on a weeknight. But just as he slipped the helmet onto his head and grabbed the handle bars of his bike, he heard a familiar voice behind him.

 

“Wait.”

 

Mike turned to see none other than the very person he was on his way to visit. He couldn’t speak. Even though he’d been on his way to Harvey’s place, he was not expecting to see him turn up outside his front door. He kicked out the stand on his bike and pulled his helmet off again.

 

Harvey was still in the suit he’d worn to the office that day. He seemed utterly defeated, regardless of their big win against Hardman. Harvey looked Mike up and down. “You obviously have somewhere to be so I’ll make this quick.” The cab peeled off slowly and Harvey walked up closer to Mike. He put his hand on the bicycle seat, as if to prevent him from taking off at any moment.

 

“I know that you’ve been testing me,” Mike said before Harvey had the opportunity to explain himself. “You wanted to see how I handled it. When things get… tense. Do you have your answer now? Did I pass?”

 

Harvey blinked, clearly caught off-guard.

 

“I thought we had each other’s back,” Mike said, digging his fingers into the hard shell of his helmet. “I really wanted to trust you. Instead of baiting me for a reaction you could have just asked me how I felt. I would have been honest.”

 

Harvey shook his head, dumbfounded. “I wasn’t testing you,” he said.

 

Mike froze up. “You weren’t?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to believe it. It was the only way he could explain Harvey’s contradictory behaviour.

 

“No,” Harvey said, sounding only faintly shocked. “I was testing myself. You might not realize it but I’ve been down this road before and I’ve made mistakes, to say the least. I wasn’t sure if I could handle the possibility of…” Harvey pressed his lips together and sighed, seeming annoyed with himself for talking about his feelings. “Of losing you,” he finished. Then he laughed with a crooked smile. “And I _still_ don’t know how I would deal with it because you’re stubborn as hell. You hung on like a monkey no matter how many times I rocked the branch.”

 

“I’m different,” Mike assured him baselessly, knowing absolutely nothing about Harvey’s prior relationships but not really needing to. And it wasn’t a matter of conceit. Mike _knew_ that this was different than anything either of them had gotten themselves tangled up with before.

 

“ _‘Different’_ is one way of putting it.”

 

Mike took a breath. “I think you’re underestimating how much I want you.”

 

Harvey paused a moment, letting that sink in. “I get that now,” Harvey admitted. “Even in the worst case scenario – if I let myself obsess over you, if I don’t try to keep my hands to myself -- look what we accomplished.” Mike felt himself flush when Harvey directed the word ‘obsess’ towards him. “We got the firm back,” Harvey continued, sounding as if he could hardly believe it. “You and me. We pulled it off. Even when we got stoned – which will _never_ happen again, by the way – we were even more productive than usual, and I don’t think it was _in spite_ of the fact that things between us have been…”

 

Mike watched Harvey search for the word. He was rarely at a loss for words, but this time Mike was too. “A lot of things,” he finished for him. It was the best he could do.

 

Harvey nodded. “These past few months haven’t exactly been easy for me,” he admitted, still sounding a little reluctant to share. “I thought things were going to get worse, but somehow sleeping with you didn’t destroy the world as we know it. Who would have known?”

 

Mike loosened his white-knuckled grip on the helmet. “And the best case scenario?”

 

Harvey shrugged. “We get bored with each other and move on.”

 

Mike nodded uncertainly. He didn’t like Harvey’s twisted sense of optimism, but if he wanted to spin it like that, it made this thing between them feel sort of like a win/win situation.

 

“Sometimes I think I should have just fired you when I had the chance, on your first day,” Harvey thought aloud, his eyes roaming across Mike’s face. “I knew you were interesting, but I had no idea that I’d depend on you. I still don’t know how it came to this. I can’t function without you – no, I’m not exaggerating – and I can’t replace you. I mean, you were gone for one goddamn day and I couldn’t even…” He scoffed at himself and looked away. “You know, when Hardman won the vote, I tried to convince Jessica to open up shop with me somewhere else. She said no, and she was right, but my point is… when we were having that conversation, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to come up with a way to convince her to take you with us. I know I need you at the firm, wherever the firm is. Wherever _I_ am. And I kept thinking, _how do I explain to Jessica why you’re too valuable to lose? How do I make her understand why I need you? How do I make her truly believe that if you go, I go?_   And then I realized that she’ll never understand, because she’s not in love with you.”

 

Mike could hear his own lungs expanding with deep, heavy breaths. His tongue went limp in his mouth and there was nothing he could say other than: “Do you wanna come up?”

 

Harvey nodded towards the bike. “You have somewhere to be.”

 

Mike shook his head. Harvey’s eyes were so full of quiet, subdued love and desperation that he could barely tear himself away from them.

 

"Are you sure?" Harvey's question was ambiguous, but Mike knew the answer.

 

"Definitely," Mike responded. He was sure he had absolutely nowhere to be other than with Harvey. He was sure that they'd wasted enough time already. He was sure he wanted him to come up to his apartment. He was sure it was the most responsible thing they could do. "Are you?"

 

"I am now." After a few seconds Harvey looked down at the bike and slid his hand through the bars, lifting it from the ground as he walked towards the front door. In the midst of everything, Mike wondered when the last time was that Harvey rode a bicycle, outside of a gym.

 

Mike led Harvey up the stairs wordlessly to his apartment. He was quiet on the outside, but inside he was bursting with anticipation and nervous excitement. He could feel the air hanging between them as they entered the dark apartment. That gap between them was heavy and unwelcomed, and so thick that he just didn’t know to push through to the other side. He took the bike from Harvey after locking the door and stretched up to hang it on his wall.

 

Before he could turn, he felt two strong hands slide around his waist, making him tremble so hard he couldn’t even conceal it. He had spent nearly every moment for the past week – no, for the past several _months_ – holding back, and he wasn’t going to waste another second. He turned towards Harvey and met his lips in a hungry kiss. He almost _screamed_ into his mouth, his body paralyzed by a familiar heat that he’d only ever felt when Harvey’s arms were around him. It was as if something had been very suddenly drained out of him and something else had been pumped in at the very same time, but he didn’t have a name for any of it. The _no_ was gone, and now he was filled to the brim with _yes._

 

Harvey’s kiss was rough, desperate and new. His hands were in Mike’s hair, raking his fingernails across his scalp, before he dropped them down his shoulders pulled his jacket open and off. Then those hands pushed up under his shirt and around to his back, pulling him in tight. They groaned into each other’s mouths when they couldn’t physically bring themselves any closer. Mike was light-headed, feeling like absolutely nothing and everything all at once. In that moment he was _everything_ to Harvey, which made him _nothing_ in any other context because this moment was the most important moment in his life – the one he was truly living. His mind suddenly flashed back to the statue in Harvey’s apartment and he remembered something from a Buddhist text read for an essay in highschool: ‘ _Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.’_

 

Harvey pulled away with a gasp, shrugging off his suit jacket without ever allowing their bodies to lose contact. Mike’s fingers worked quickly to undo the buttons on his shirt while Harvey loosened the knot of his tie. In less than a minute they had rid Harvey of his clothes above the waist, and Harvey was lifting Mike’s t-shirt over his head as soon as he got the chance.

 

Flames were licking at every muscle in Mike’s body from head to toe. His jean-clad hips were already thrusting against Harvey’s involuntarily, and Harvey’s body was responding with just as much enthusiasm. The man groaned hard and deep against his lips as he clamped his greedy hands down on Mike’s ass and pulled him in close, both of them rocking in time now, fucking upright through their pants, _starving_ for each other.

 

Mike broke away from Harvey’s mouth again, panting breathlessly, dizzy and needy. He slid his hands into Harvey’s back pockets and walked backwards, leading them to his bed. Even the few narrow inches of air between them necessary to move across the apartment made Mike miss Harvey’s body. Harvey must felt the same because he was on top of him within seconds of finding the bed, tearing the fastening of his pants open and shoving his hand down his boxers. Mike groaned though his teeth as he tipped his head back, winding his bed sheet around his fingers. Within a couple of minutes of inviting Harvey up to his apartment, he was already rock-hard.

 

He felt his hips jerk suddenly and looked down to see that Harvey really wasn’t in the mood to take his time, which was fine by Mike. He lifted his hips and watched as Harvey bunched his jeans and underwear at his ankles. He slipped the shoes and socks off his feet, followed by his jeans and underwear, then sat back and admired the nudity he’d exposed.

 

“You’re really sexy, you know that?” Harvey grinned and leaned down to kiss his chest, not seeming to expect an answer. “No, you don’t know,” he said softly, answering his own question, kissing a little lower as Mike’s fingers dug into his strong, smooth shoulders. “Everything about you turns me on. And you don’t even try.”

 

Mike closed his eyes and bit his lip, curling his toes and rolling his hips up as Harvey moved lower still. He’d spent a lot of time staring at that man’s incredible mouth and jaw and he wanted to know what it felt like at work on him. He squirmed a little when the he felt a hot tongue wiggle into his navel, but then it continued to trail it downwards to the soft patch of hair, which he nuzzled with his nose. Mike felt himself throbbing and pulsing uncontrollably, especially as Harvey’s hands moved inside his thighs, pulling his legs apart enough to settle his body between them. Mike was the closest he’d ever been to an orgasm without actually having any attention given to his cock.

 

Mike sucked in a sharp breath when a set of warm, sturdy fingers wrapped themselves around the base of his cock. He could feel Harvey playing with him slowly, those fingers moving around him in different rhythms, spreading the slick fluid leaking from the head all over him, applying experimental amounts of pressure until Mike’s hips jerked up involuntarily as he released a soft cry of absolute bliss. But instead of repeating the action that Mike enjoyed so much, Harvey paused. Then, with his eyes clenched shut, Mike felt the heat of his mouth come down around the sensitive head of his cock and he almost came right then.

 

Mike reached down and touched Harvey’s face, dipping his fingers into the hollow if his cheek while Harvey slowly lapped at the tip of his cock, every so often swallowing him down nearly base. When he felt the back of Harvey’s throat open up to him, he completely lost it.

 

Mike knew he meant to say something, but all he could manage was a broken: _“Aaaahhhh…”_ He continued to brush his fingertips against the man’s cheek, feeling the muscles around his jaw flex as he took him deeper. Harvey was beginning to give up a few short, low moans now and Mike didn’t think he could take much more.

 

“Fuck me,” Mike panted desperately. “ _I need you. Now. Harvey, I love you. I love you…_ ” He was mouthing the words but he wasn’t certain that any sound was coming out, because Harvey didn’t acknowledge them.

 

Harvey slid his mouth slowly off Mike’s cock, took him in hand and teased him a moment more with his tongue.

 

“I like the way you taste,” Harvey admitted, his lips moving against Mike’s sensitive wet flesh as he spoke, before letting go.

 

Mike forgot that Harvey was still wearing pants and shoes until he felt the absence of his body and blinked his eyes open to see him standing next to the bed, leaning down to pull off his remaining clothes. While he was doing that, Mike rolled over to grab a condom and a packet of lube from his end table. He ripped the condom open right away. If Harvey kept teasing him it would be over before it started.

 

When Harvey was naked he crawled on top of Mike and fed him a deep, slow kiss full of tongue. When he drew away a fraction of an inch, their swollen lower lips connected by a strand of saliva, Mike brought the open packet to his mouth and gently withdrew the condom with his teeth. Harvey tongued it out of his mouth carefully and then grasped the latex ring between his fingers.

 

“You,” Mike instructed, just in case there was any doubt.

 

Harvey nodded. “Roll over.”

 

Mike did what was asked of him, wrapping his arms around a pillow and tilting his ass up into the air. His eyes were closed. There was nothing he could see that could compare to what he felt, so why bother.

 

Mike felt the cool drizzle of lube creeping down the centre of his ass, leaking over his balls, and finally two fingers swiped through the slick puddle and circled around the little knot of muscle between his legs. At first he just rubbed him gently, though the pressure increased until Harvey’s index finger slid inside him. Mike moaned deep into the pillow he’d wrapped himself around, feeling that finger begin to ease his body open. He felt Harvey’s hand flatten against the small of his back as a second finger joined the first, but Mike wasn’t expecting the sting that accompanied it.

 

“Slow,” he pleaded, softly but quickly.

 

Harvey held his two fingers inside just an inch for a good minute before he pushed forward again… _very_ slowly.

 

“Jesus, Mike… you’re _tight,”_ Harvey remarked.

 

“I haven’t been fucked in a week,” he confessed.

 

Mike could actually hear Harvey grin. “A whole _week?_ Gee…”

 

Even though they had never discussed it, he always felt that Harvey sensed he’d had a fairly active and anonymous sex life as of late. He didn’t talk about it but he didn’t exactly hide it either. Maybe Harvey even would have said something regarding his habits if he wasn’t the last one to fuck him.

 

Mike felt Harvey’s knuckles meet his flesh with a turn of his wrist. “Now,” Mike breathed. He was paralyzed with desire.

 

Harvey carefully slid his fingers out of Mike’s body and the pause he took told Mike that he was getting himself ready. A few second later, he felt the large, slick tip of Harvey’s cock nudging at his hole. Mike stretched up and wrapped his fingers around one of the wooden panels on his headboard, bracing himself. He could feel the warmth and weight of Harvey’s body on top of his as he let gravity do most of the work once he had himself positioned. Mike felt his body opening up to accommodate the head of Harvey’s cock, then inch by inch, he continued to press forward. He couldn’t breathe.

 

“Holy _fuck_ , Mike,” Harvey panted, pausing halfway in. He managed to sneak one hand underneath Mike’s raised hips and took hold of his impossibly firm erection. “You’re so good,” Harvey told him, pushing in further. “Oh _god_ you’re good…” Harvey pressed his face into his neck when his pelvis met the flesh of Mike's ass, sinking in all the way. “I…” but instead of finishing that though, Harvey kissed Mike’s neck and closed his eyes, settling there.

 

Mike lost his grip on the headboard and whimpered into his pillow, way beyond words. There were muscles fluttering in his body that he wasn’t even aware he had. He couldn’t believe what a difference a week made, and it almost disturbed him to realize how far he'd manupulated his body from the neutral state it reverted back to when he left it alone for only a few days. His cock twitched in Harvey’s hand, his balls tightening, and there was nothing he could do about it. After several days of close calls and no masturbation, Mike was too close to the edge to possibly hold back.

 

Harvey withdrew slowly _–_ Mike’s body hardly willing to give him that much slack – and pressed back inside while is fingertips worked his cock gently but insistently. Every inch of Mike’s body was pleading for release under the attention he’d been craving for so long, set on fire by the nerves sparked deep inside of him.

 

“I can’t – I have to –“ His toes clenched hard against nothing.

 

“Come for me,” Harvey spoke into his ear, lowering down further to give him more of his weight. “It’s okay. I want you to.”

 

That was all it took. Mike didn’t want to end the sensations he’d been fantasizing about for what felt like a lifetime, but his body was obeying Harvey’s command before his mind even registered it. He felt the muscles in his ass slamming down all around Harvey, the blood rushing from his head, and his cock twitching as he emptied what felt like every drop of his insides into Harvey’s warm, encouraging hand. He was sobbing into the pillow and nothing he could have done would have stopped it, so he let it happen.

 

“ _That’s right,_ ” Harvey whispered, moving slowly and deliberately the whole time, riding Mike gently and persistently through his orgasm. “ _That’s good… I feel you… you’re incredible…”_

“I love you s – so much,” Mike sobbed, his chest pounding and his voice breaking every time Harvey moved inside him. It felt as though his entire body was dissolving into Harvey’s.

“Mike—“

 

“ _Harvey!”_

Mike shuddered as Harvey wiped his sticky, soiled hand against Mike’s already wet abdomen, smearing his come across his skin. Then suddenly Harvey withdrew and Mike’s skin went cold, but a hand on his arm encouraged him to flip onto his back. His body was putty, sated and throbbing under Harvey’s hands as the man wrapped his arms beneath Mike’s knees, subsequently pulling his weak, numb legs into the air as he leaned forward and kissed him.

 

Mike moaned softly, closing his eyes and opening his lips. He reached up with one hand and pressed his fingertips to Harvey’s face, brushing across the two moles at his brow, then traced his cheekbone and his jaw. He felt his body open up again with absolutely no resistance now, and wrapped his hand around Harvey’s neck. This time, Harvey didn’t move slowly. He thrust in deep and upped his tempo right away, lowering his forehead to Mike’s neck, groaning as he rocked against him hard and steady. Mike would have been screaming if he had it in him but all he could do was rattle out a few throaty whimpers, clutching desperately at Harvey’s neck and shoulder with weak hands.

Harvey cried out in a voice that Mike had never heard before. It was the sound of _raw_ pleasure and Mike knew he was moments from climax. His own body was almost completely numb at that point, but he could still feel the same thing that Harvey felt deep in his core.

 

“Tell me you know,” Harvey pleaded against Mike’s cheek. “You’ve gotta know.”

 

Mike wrapped his arms around Harvey’s back, clasping one hand over his shoulder. “I know,” he assured him wholeheartedly, blinking his damp eyelashes closed. “I want it.”

 

Mike bit his lip as Harvey punched into him a few more times so relentlessly that he totally lost his breath, and then he came _hard_ , groaning deep into the pillow over Mike’s shoulder, grabbing him wherever he could get hold. The very feeling of Harvey pulsing inside almost sent Mike over again, but there was nothing left in him to lose.

 

Harvey pressed his damp forehead to Mike’s, holding onto him so tight that Mike thought he might break a bone but he really didn’t care. As his weak legs slid down lower and his body relaxed into the mattress, Harvey’s chest dropped against his. He could feel Harvey with every inch of his body. Their hearts beat against one another violently, still locked in the rhythm that their bodies had initiated. With the faintest touch they tasted each other’s lips, too short of breath to join their mouths in a kiss. They held each other like that until their breathing steadied and their heart rates began to normalize a few minutes later.

 

Mike pulled in one more deep breath and exhaled with a yawn. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d ever felt so totally devoid of tension or worry. It wasn’t often that he felt like he was right where he was supposed to be.

 

Harvey moaned softly, stoked Mike’s hair with his clean hand, then reluctantly moved out and off of him, collapsing into the mattress on his back. Mike flipped over half on top of him and reached down, carefully rolling the condom off. He pushed himself onto wobbly legs and went to deposit it in the kitchen garbage. While he was there he took the opportunity to wet a cloth with warm water and wipe the tacky fluid from his stomach. He rinsed it, wrung it out and went back to the bed.

 

Harvey sat up against the headboard, took the cloth from Mike and wiped his hands. “Do you have any food?”

 

Mike smiled. “When was I supposed to have done groceries?” Mike searched the ground for his boxers. The only light in the apartment came from the streetlamp blaring outside his window. He finally found them tangled in his jeans.

 

“Right.” Harvey bunched up the cloth and dropped it on Mike’s end table. “The last thing I ate was pretzels.”

 

Mike pulled his underwear back on and collapsed onto the bed next to Harvey, who seemed completely comfortable to remain nude. He liked that about him. When he closed his eyes he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, gently drawing him closer. Mike rest his head against Harvey’s chest, feeling an arm wrap around him. Just like the first time they were together, their bodies seemed to sync up perfectly. It was so easy and natural when he didn’t think about the past or the future. At the moment, he couldn’t even make himself think about anything other than the sound of Harvey’s heartbeat.

 

“Oh,” Mike suddenly remembered. “I have pizza.”

 

“How old is it?”

 

“Not old.”

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

“Mm. So my off-limits, freezer-burned samosa is good enough for you but my pizza isn’t?”

 

Harvey’s chest expanded with a deep sigh. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied. His fingers slowly brushed up and down Mike’s arm as he slid down a little lower into the bed. Mike’s body relaxed even deeper against him.

 

“You know damn well,” Mike murmured sleepily. He was fading fast and they still needed to eat. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

 

“I was hungry.” He ran his hand up Mike’s neck and spread his fingers out through his hair.

 

Mike closed his eyes. “I don’t accept that. You sneaky bastard.”

 

Harvey stroked the back of Mike’s head with this thumb. “I love you.”

 

Mike felt his heart thump out of rhythm and heard Harvey’s do the same. Harvey had the last word on that one. Even though his heart and his mind roused at the disclosure, his body sank even deeper into Harvey’s and his heavy eyes closed one more time.

 

That night they went to bed hungry, but fell asleep satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Even though I don't need fuel for additional chapters now that I'm done, I still really like comments a lot so feel free. :) (Constructive criticism counts!)


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